A Little Numb.

 It's three in the morning and I can't sleep. I was feeling sleepy and went to check for emails, of course that's always a big mistake as I will often start playing on the internet. Yesterday had been two weeks since Mr X said he didn't want to date anymore. I try to brush it off, move on but the truth is that I find it hard. He was very romantic with me in the beginning and that created a strong bond to him. Plus it had been so long since I felt those feelings, to lose them was heartbreaking. I know at the time, he said that he was having a hard time during lockdown with the isolation, not just from me but from all his friends as well. I felt that probably had something to do with our outcome.

 I had stopped checking his social media sites, there hadn't been any activity since we broke up. I have been wondering how he is doing. Seeing that he has become so quiet I finally felt that maybe he was actually moved by our breakup or he just really wanted a quiet summer and I could accept that.

 Today I checked one last time and nothing had changed, he hasn't posted anything since we broke up. I guess I was hoping to read something like, "I made a mistake in letting my boyfriend go and need to win him back"! However there was nothing, there will be no phone call no matter how often I stare at the phone. I know covid separating us was a big factor no matter how many times he said it was okay. I thought maybe I would check, delete my pictures of him and say a final goodbye. Still I felt something was odd, one minute I was so important to him and suddenly he had no interest in me or anything I did.

 I was playing around on one of his sites and started reading gay jokes on another page belonging to a friend of his. I came across one post where his friend was excited about his new boyfriend, he joked about the guy being the hottest guy on earth and everyone replied how happy they were for him. Then Mr X replied, "awww you're pretty hot yourself... going to bed now, talk in the morning". What??? What was that??? I felt like I had just been slapped! I started reading comments on other posts of this friend... the guy's new boyfriend is Mr X!!!

 YOU RAT BASTARD!!! There is just so much wrong with this my head felt like it was going to blow!

 When I checked the dates of comments, they are confessing their love for each other a day after we broke up! There is no way that we broke up and they suddenly realized that they liked each other the next day. Obviously they were calling each other before these posts. I don't get it, this guy lives further away than me. All the while that Mr X was on the phone reassuring me that we were "good", he was also working on a relationship with this guy. Who by the way is another long time friend of his that didn't seem to want him until I started dating him. It was also hard to read that he is coming to spend two weeks at Mr X's summer place, the same place I wasn't allowed to go because of covid restrictions he said.

 I can't help think that we called and text constantly to stay in touch, sometimes he would say that he's really busy with work, so I would call him later. He certainly found the time to work on getting a second boyfriend. Not being into me I could accept, having my replacement ready is hurtful beyond hurtful. Maybe if he put that much effort into "us" it would be different. Although I guess I don't want a boyfriend like "him", I want a boyfriend like the way I thought he was. Also how hurtful to let me think I wasn't good enough for him when in reality he had found someone else.

 I can't believe he did this, he has ruined the entire memory of "us". My stomach feels sick, I can't sleep, he broke my heart a second time in the worst way.

How could you Mr X.