Thursday, March 5, 2020
Then one day.
It's odd, writing this post is making me feel anxious. There's nothing wrong, nothing to worry about, it's just some thoughts in my head. I'm thinking back to the day of my neighbour's funeral. Life works in odd ways, sometimes I can't help feel the universe is trying to say something to me.
As the family was entering the church, myself and a friend of mine, were standing at the doors, it's a way of respectfully greeting the family and keeping a breeze from embarrassingly closing the doors on the mourners. Being a large family they had to stop and stand there for a couple of minutes as the priest said first prayers over the coffin.
Right in front of me where the gay couple I mentioned in an earlier post, you couldn't plan it any better if you were trying to get to me. Standing there I was staring at exactly the relationship I want in life, what I need in life and I felt so alone in those few seconds. I don't need a Hollywood love story, I just need a partner in life, snuggled up on the couch together watching a movie is all the romance I need. I'm looking for togetherness and not a dating adventure. I watched as people spoke softly to the couple, there was no difference in their treatment, good people don't care anymore who you are with, good people are just happy for you.
That night and the next day was what really pulled me down. I'm a realist, as I get older, I become less hopeful of meeting someone. I suddenly felt this wall of despair like never before, that I will never feel love again, that I will never find a decent guy again. That I will just keep going through a file cabinet of flakes until I find someone that is the least flakey and maybe learn to live with it.
Having that outlook begins to wear you down, you don't notice it at first but one day you realize that you care less about things and that you gave up on yourself at some point. Life begins to look bleak future wise because every day looks like it will be the same old, same old, you hide it from everyone but you begin to feel dead inside.
Until one day... then one day that all changes, the clouds begin to break, the sun begins to shine, you have no clue what is happening at first, you're a bit shocked and in disbelief to be honest. You start to recognize what's happening, you try to pinch yourself awake but it's not a dream. You find yourself on one of life's roller coasters and you are about to excitedly plunge into the unknown, suddenly a simple smile can nearly take the legs right out from under you and you begin to care about the small things in life once more but most importantly you feel alive again... you feel alive again.