Tuesday, February 4, 2020
Broken hearted. Giving up my child.
Last night I had the most bizarre dream. I was in my late thirties and one of my closest friends was a woman around the same age. Not that unusual for me except in real life.. I have never seen this woman before! Yet in the dream she meant a lot to me.
Also in the dream, apparently we were both getting comfortable with our sexuality but still had curiosities. One weekend while I was staying over at her place, we drank a little too much, got a little too comfortable with each other and it eventually led to sex. Having not planned for the situation, I didn't use protection. The dream was taking place in offices, they were legal/medical combination type offices and I was asked to come down there by my friend's lawyer. She had become pregnant from our night together and decided it was best to place the child up for adoption, they needed me to sign off.
I suppose you people will think I'm about to laugh at this and make jokes about it.. but I can't. Like I have mentioned before, my dreams are very vivid, very emotional, very real. The feelings were very intense, very draining. If I could only write books as believable as I can dream, I would be famous.
Back to my dream, I was a bit shell shocked but knew this day was coming, I wanted to do the right thing. I was told a nice couple were adopting the baby and wanted everything to go smoothly, they were afraid of me trying to claim the baby later on. I felt since the mother had put so much effort into preparing a better life for her baby, the least I could do was just sign my name.
After signing, it really hit me, I just signed away my child. I asked if I'm allowed to know, boy or girl? They said, "boy" and I thought, "I have a son.. I just signed away my son". I was trying not to cry but was failing, (I was soaking my pillow in real life). There was a doctor there and she was compassionate towards my feelings, other people were annoyed with me, I assume they worried that I may change my mind. I said half embarrassed to the doctor, "just the one time that I make a slip up and look at the seriousness of the results". She was trying to be comforting but also driving home a point, she said something kind to me but also implied to be more careful in the future and that I'm an adult, not an uninformed teenager. I walked out thinking I just gave up my one chance at being a dad but I knew I had to think of the baby more, I needed to give him a good chance in life, I needed to do right by him.
I woke up in tears, I couldn't believe that I had done something so stupid late in life, I had been so smart earlier on. I wondered if my son would resent me, maybe even hate me. As I was sitting up, ashamed, upset, grieving, drained, exhausted, embarrassed and in tears, the fog began to lift and suddenly. Wait.. I'm no longer thirty (shhht), I don't know any woman who looks like that, I've never even had sex with a woman! I don't have a kid! A huge sense of relief came over me, I DIDN'T CREATE A HORRIBLE MESS! Seriously where does this come from! That's emotional self torture, I think that I have enough on my plate without feeling broken hearted over a non existing child. Then I felt white hot anger towards whatever part of my brain runs these very detailed nightmares. I mumbled out loud, "aaah you f...er!"
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27 comments:
Don't worry. In 18-25 years you will have another mysterious dream where a young man is trying to get in touch with you, claiming that you are his birth father.
Lurker, if I'm here... and if I go like mom who knows what my reality will be.
Calling Dr Jung! He would say this dream has profound emotional and spiritual meaning for you.
I think it's your inner self saying that you don't want to be or grow old alone. You want to care for someone. It could very well be your inner self screaming at you.
Deedles yes in this case "asshole" fits just nicely. You should see the scary ones I have, I'm just lucky I'm not soaking the bed in fear! Joking not joking!
Debra, he would be right and I think I know what it's trying to say.
Leanna, bingo! Seriously no joke I think you pretty much nailed it. If not exactly then along those lines.
Interesting. I dream in color, not too common for a man. I don't try and decipher dreams because mine are so... vividly odd. I once dreamt that a friend and I were on a spacecraft, and we were being chased by a large, pink octopussy type alien who was trying to grab us with its tentacles. That's one of my normal dreams.
Well, I am no Jungian (paging Dr Spo), but if I was to guess then I would suspect some of this anxiety is projected onto Steven's guilt over putting his mom into care.
Alternatively it might be Steven's subconscious warning Steven to start fooling around with women (using appropriate protection, of course). How else would Steven know that he is actually gay if he has never slept with a woman? Hasn't he ever TRIED being straight?
Also most blog entries about dreams are boring, but you write yours very well. I am making fun of it because vivid dreams are scary and humor is my only defence mechanism.
Do you wash your fruit off before you eat it?
I agree with Leanna.
Sidenote: I have never had sex with a woman, in life or in a dream. I just can't. But that's just me.
Maybe it is your subconscious wondering what it would have been like to have a child. Who knows? I hardly ever remember my dreams. The ones I do remember are usually bizarre.
I never remember my dreams. I remember having them, but I couldn’t tell you what they were about. So I envy you. Especially since they are so vivid for you.
You should start writing them down and compile them into a book: “Things my subconscious told me.”
Hahaha
And you say my titles are a mind bend? For a second there I was thinking you were going to be a daddy!
I seldom remember my dreams, but when I do, they're like yours, they're very vivid and intense.
Have you thought of starting a Dream Journal? When I was in therapy, my therapist gave me a little journal and I wrote down what I remembered of my dreams first thing in the morning. It was very illuminating.
XOXO
Dreams are never as simple as they seem. Perhaps you should think more about what it all means. Do you want an heir? Children of your own? Maybe you are just mourning that fact you don't have children. Either way it is okay to grieve..even in dreams.
Dave, I always dream in color, I didn't know until recently that other people didn't.
Speaking of nightmares.. hi Lurker! Hahaha!
Lurker, wait until I tell you some of my scary ones, like the one a few days ago that nearly made my stomach sick.
Maddie, hmmm, is that a naughty metaphor for oral sex?
Bob, well Leanna is a very cool lady. I was also upset slightly in my dream for losing my gold star rating in the gay world. Hahaha!
Michael, someone told me once of a very cool situation of being gay and having his son confess to him about being gay also... ;)
HuntleyBiGuy, I have always remembered my dreams, I have always dreamed in color, I wasn't aware that most people don't, I wonder if it means something.
Actually I have thought of a dream blog. Especially when some dreams have come true.
Bathwater, hello and welcome. I'm a family oriented person so as my family dies off, I am feeling very much like a boat that has slipped its knot and drifted out into the ocean. I can't seem to change that but I certainly don't need my dreams to rub it in more.
I stand by my conviction that our brains are assholes! Otherwise, why would I have had that perfectly, erotic dream (years back) of being in a canoe with Ron Ely (t.v.'s Tarzan) all loin clothed and everything *sigh*, and then I got eaten by a crocodile instead? Asshole brain, that's why!
Our family lore is that whenever my paternal grandmother dreamed of fish, it meant that someone in the family was pregnant. Considering it was a huge, Catholic family who practiced the rhythm method of birth control (my poor aunt with her nine kids) she could've dreamt about anything and someone would end up pregnant. Well, I'm off to the dentist now.
Deedles, I remember the day I realized that dreams were totally unfair. I woke up from a horrible, horrible dream of being chased through an old abandoned hospital by a crazed killer. My heart was racing. I got up and walked around a bit, used the washroom, read a little and went back to sleep. Within a few minutes... and I'm totally not making this up... I was back in those old hallways when the exact same guy steps out and says, "what, you think I haven't been waiting for you"? Then the chase was on again. The next morning I was so ticked! How many times do we wake up from a perfect dream and NEVER get back to that dream!
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