Tuesday, February 25, 2020

Broken Saturday


 Saturday was an odd day, actually it started Friday evening. I couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed off inside me. I went to the funeral on Friday for the older woman who died earlier during the week. It really got to me and for many reasons. It's not because I was close to this person but she was always around, another matriarch of the community gone, another thread to our past broken.

 There was a guest speaker at the funeral who had lived around here but went on to have a career in television and radio, he spoke of this woman encouraging him as a young man, to follow his dreams. He also noted all the faces that he was expecting to see but are no longer with us. I always notice the absence of certain key people now as well. I ended up helping out at the funeral because there just isn't the people around to help anymore and I wanted this lady to have the send off that she deserves. I couldn't help think of when this woman's son who was killed with his family, they were our neighbors and good friends. Even me doing tasks that my father once did, I couldn't help think of him also. It was just very lonely for me that day.

 The other thing that really got to me was seeing her grandson with his boyfriend of many years. I found that also emotional for me with how accepting the entire family is of them. It's not that the family is accepting of him, there is no accepting "the gay son/cousin/brother" it's even bigger than that, it's that he's just a part of the family like any of the other grandsons but happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. It was beautiful to me but I also felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.

 I realized that I am probably never going to experience that, a real relationship. The boys looked so good.. and so good together; however the only one who was probably noticing them was me. Again on Saturday I was having waves of hopelessness and a strong feeling of sadness. I want someone to support me like that at times when I just need a hug. I came to the conclusion that I will be alone from now on and I don't know what I can do to change that. Sure, the guys that I have been meeting with are nice guys but they are not really interested in making friends to hang out with, they certainly are not interested in finding a boyfriend. I'm not fitting in there anymore, it's not what I want, it's not what I need.

 My sister called me about something Saturday morning and when I went to tell her about my latest visit with mom, I cried. She went silent, I caught myself off guard and said I was fine. Later throughout the day I would cry at the drop of a hat, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness, it scared me to be honest. I went to email a friend, I said I think something broke inside me... but I didn't hit send. I went to bed.

 The next day I felt better, we had the potluck and the final game of curling. Being around other people all afternoon regarding something fun really helped to lift my spirits.

 I'm not sure what that was, it was emotional and unsettling. I'm okay now so don't be worried. I wanted to write about it on Saturday but just couldn't do it. On Sunday I was not going to mention it at all but then I thought I should write about it, maybe someone else will have the same experience and won't feel like they are the only one. Sometimes it's hard to realize that life doesn't turn out how you wanted it to and that the clock is ticking. Sometimes you also have to realize that you can't always change things... so have a potluck with friends, drink a little wine and forget about it.

32 comments:

1st Man said...

{{{{HUGS}}}}. That is all.

Mistress Maddie said...

Im in the same boat. I know eventually the Lad is going to move further away and once day Starbucks will decide to jist stay in Europe and when i finally realize i want to settle...i too will be alone.. But it doesn't bother me for some reason. Maybe because I've had three relationships? Not sure. But I'd give you a big hug and kisses if it would make you feel better. And I hate funerals.

Mistress Maddie said...

Warbucks!!!!!!!!!! I meant. Damn spell correct.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Ugh. Funerals.
They make me queasy, too.
And I think it's just that events like this always make us aware of our on humanity and make us feel vulnerable.

XOXO

HuntleyBiGuy said...

It happens to all of us, I think. We see or hear something and it turns on the waterworks. Then we start reflecting on our lives and sometimes question our past decisions. I know I’ve made some bad choices in the past. But on the other hand those choices also lead me to meet an awesome individual that helped me explore another side of myself.

We can’t foresee the future. Sometimes we just have to hang on and see where the ride takes us. I think your ride has a lot to explore, yet. There are so many people behind you.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Yes, time and life march on, waiting for none of us.

Bob said...

Funerals always bring up our own sense of mortality and a long list of what ifs.
But don't count yourself out of a relationship just yet.You never know ....

Jimmy said...

I think it's time to invite someone over for dinner. (wash your sheets)

Deedles said...

Manstruating can be a real bitch, so I hear. Mop a floor, sunshine! Hugs.

RJ said...

I feel like I will spend the rest of my life alone. I'm still have hope that may not be the case. There are many of us like you.

Dave R said...

Crying is a good emotional release. You've been going through an emotional drain for some time, so until the future becomes the past, I'd avoid funerals. Seriously.

RB said...

It was probably the funeral, seeing the grandson/bf....combination of all these things that got to you. We all have these days I think. The planets align to set off our emotions.

Jimmy said...

Where is Lurkie? Has he been banned for life?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks number 1, hey... did you just feel my butt! Joking. :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Yes hug me, hug me, hug me! :)

You will never be alone Maddie, I really feel that.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, yes they certainly don't pick up a person's spirit.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

HuntleyBiGuy, yes I need to stop thinking my train is approaching the last stop.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, yes so true, sometimes that's comforting actually, life tells us to keep living.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, yes funerals usually don't bring out the best in me lol.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, we usually only eat in the kitchen, what are you implying??? Lol

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, house work is supposed to cheer me up? No wonder I have been down lately! : )

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, maybe you are looking for love in all the wrong places. You may need to move to where the gay herds graze.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, I do try to avoid funerals as I agree with you, they are draining. Some however are unavoidable, feelings of really good people would be hurt if I didn't go. I have been limiting myself the last year.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

RB, I agree, wrong place at the wrong time can really affect us and trigger emotions.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, no he's not banned. He's probably reading but not commenting, maybe he realized he spends too much time here or is administering self punishment of some sort, only Lurky knows Lurky.

Jimmy said...

Perhaps you should do a post calling him back. You know, like a trick in a bar.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, no because that's exactly what he wants me to do, so I'm not! Hahaha! He's a big boy, he can find his way back on his own.

HuntleyBiGuy said...

No, that was me đŸ˜‰

Jimmy said...

Wait,.....!

Jimmy said...

NAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

What? Why don't you do a post then, he likes you.

Jimmy said...

I don't know why you always think of yourself as the red headed stepchild. Everyone like you.