Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Saturday was an odd day, actually it started Friday evening. I couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed off inside me. I went to the funeral on Friday for the older woman who died earlier during the week. It really got to me and for many reasons. It's not because I was close to this person but she was always around, another matriarch of the community gone, another thread to our past broken.
There was a guest speaker at the funeral who had lived around here but went on to have a career in television and radio, he spoke of this woman encouraging him as a young man, to follow his dreams. He also noted all the faces that he was expecting to see but are no longer with us. I always notice the absence of certain key people now as well. I ended up helping out at the funeral because there just isn't the people around to help anymore and I wanted this lady to have the send off that she deserves. I couldn't help think of when this woman's son who was killed with his family, they were our neighbors and good friends. Even me doing tasks that my father once did, I couldn't help think of him also. It was just very lonely for me that day.
The other thing that really got to me was seeing her grandson with his boyfriend of many years. I found that also emotional for me with how accepting the entire family is of them. It's not that the family is accepting of him, there is no accepting "the gay son/cousin/brother" it's even bigger than that, it's that he's just a part of the family like any of the other grandsons but happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. It was beautiful to me but I also felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.
I realized that I am probably never going to experience that, a real relationship. The boys looked so good.. and so good together; however the only one who was probably noticing them was me. Again on Saturday I was having waves of hopelessness and a strong feeling of sadness. I want someone to support me like that at times when I just need a hug. I came to the conclusion that I will be alone from now on and I don't know what I can do to change that. Sure, the guys that I have been meeting with are nice guys but they are not really interested in making friends to hang out with, they certainly are not interested in finding a boyfriend. I'm not fitting in there anymore, it's not what I want, it's not what I need.
My sister called me about something Saturday morning and when I went to tell her about my latest visit with mom, I cried. She went silent, I caught myself off guard and said I was fine. Later throughout the day I would cry at the drop of a hat, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness, it scared me to be honest. I went to email a friend, I said I think something broke inside me... but I didn't hit send. I went to bed.
The next day I felt better, we had the potluck and the final game of curling. Being around other people all afternoon regarding something fun really helped to lift my spirits.
I'm not sure what that was, it was emotional and unsettling. I'm okay now so don't be worried. I wanted to write about it on Saturday but just couldn't do it. On Sunday I was not going to mention it at all but then I thought I should write about it, maybe someone else will have the same experience and won't feel like they are the only one. Sometimes it's hard to realize that life doesn't turn out how you wanted it to and that the clock is ticking. Sometimes you also have to realize that you can't always change things... so have a potluck with friends, drink a little wine and forget about it.