Tuesday, October 15, 2019

I lost a friend. :(..


 Ugh! I hate this. Sometimes I mention my friend James, the sweet but awkward gay man I met over a year ago. I was never attracted to him romantically but I liked him as a person. One thing about James that I loved was his trustworthiness, he is a standup guy. I kept an open mind towards a relationship with James because I know he would be really good to me and look out for me, the way a "real" man should.

 To be honest, I never found James that attractive and I think there needs to be at least some type of attraction. Sometimes his awkwardness and indecisiveness would get on my nerves but generally I found him to be a kind, sweet man. We never seriously talked about dating, I was hoping that he understood by now. I always said things like, "you're a good friend" or I would always sign off emails with, "your friend/buddy Steven" so as not to lead him on. We emailed each other twice a week but I have only met up with him about five times that I can remember, not exactly dedicated boyfriends. I do know that I held a special place for him, when he bought his new car, he never offered anyone a ride because he wanted me to be the first passenger. Also he was quite happy when I showed up to an event he loves to attend.

 Lately he has been saying to me, that he feels too old for me. That was another issue I did have with him, he is only seven years older than I am but I tell people as a joke that I think he is turning ninety on his next birthday, or that James is the nicest old lady that I ever met. He has that attitude sometimes, like he was raised back in the 1920s and not the seventies.

 Sunday he again mentioned thinking that he was too old for me. I felt he was trying to tell me that he wasn't interested in forming a romantic relationship with me. I felt we should clear up any misunderstandings so I responded. I told him that I agreed with him, in that we were not a match romantically but that I enjoyed our friendship immensely and his age shouldn't be a factor.

 He was clearly hurt by this because I received an email saying that he appreciated my honesty. That just because two people are gay it doesn't mean they will make a good couple. That giving it a year is a fair amount of time to see if we were a match or not. However he also said that it is time for him to move on, that he will say goodbye to me now and that he wishes me all the best in whatever I do in the future.

 I feel like garbage, I know I did the right thing but I still feel like garbage. He is socially awkward and obviously saw our friendship as something else. This is really too bad, I honestly didn't see it going this way. My practical side is screaming at me because I know that if we became a couple and something terrible happened to me, he would be at my side and unfortunately, it doesn't seem like there are many gay men left out there like that. I also feel like crap because I liked him.. a lot!

 Ugh, uuuuugh, aaaaah, I hurt someone I care about, I hate this feeling and I'm going to really miss him. It's almost like I received a message saying James passed away.. and when you think about it, maybe it is a little similar... since our friendship suddenly died. Goodbye James I'm going to miss you, your buddy Steven.

32 comments:

Deedles said...

I'm so sorry, Steven. Look on the bright side, if all else fails you'll always have Old Lurker! Sending you more grandma hugs, I'm sure your supply is running low.

mistress maddie said...

If he cant handle being just a friend...it wasnt meant to be. That's the problem with alot of gay men I find. They want to date or a fwb....no one seems to want more just friends. Hell, I welcome new friends.

These silly creatures.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

That's too bad, Steven. Sorry to hear this. But you did nothing wrong, so don't feel guilty or responsible.

John Going Gently said...

It sounds as though he hurt himself

Jimmy said...

One door closes, and another opens...for the both of you.

Leanna said...

It sounds like he was really hurt by what you said. Some people are overly sensitive and he was probably one of them. He was most likely hoping the opposite of what happened and to save face he sent you a Dear John email. You didn't do anything wrong though so don't feel bad about it.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Thanks Deedles :(...

Even worse I just noticed that fricken spell check changed your buddy to you're buddy and ruined my farewell... aaaah!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Hi Maddie sweetie, yes I agree with you, I'm finding that as well. Also I'm going to get back to you on your email, for some strange reason my internet freezes every time I try to email you. Must be your good looks freezing time! ;)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, thank you. I keep telling myself that but I still feel bad.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

John, well to be honest I'm thinking the same thing.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, I hope so. I did hope we could be friends, I think he needs a friend to pull him out of his grandmother's shall.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Leanna, thank you. I was his first ever relationship with another gay man even though we were just friends.

Michael said...

Steven,
I see why you would feel badly, as I would too, but you didn't do anything wrong. You were just honest with him. I am thinking he was hoping for something more.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Michael, he didn't put any effort into something more. Actually his roommate went away for three days and it never occurred to James to have me over. If someone wants this prized package, they have to earn it! [Waves finger and does that snap thing]

Old Lurker said...

Clearly the next time somebody falls for your adorable eyebrows the right thing to do is keep stringing them along indefinitely. There is no way that could backfire.

I am not the psychiatrist around here but here is my advice: give him his space to grieve, but offer to get in touch with him again in a while (say six months) to see whether he would like to be "just friends" with you after he has had time to let things settle. If he is still as desperately in love with you as all the other guys who meet you, then maybe you can never be friends. Otherwise maybe you can continue to socialize platonically. There are not so many gay people around, so it is common for people to be friends with their ex-crushes.

Did you meet up with that other guy you were talking about? The one you did not want to be a nursemaid for? How about your high school buddy?

Deedles said...

Steven, put a little more oomph into that finger waving snap thing. Channel your inner black diva and throw your neck into it! Stephanee' (you have to spell it funny, it's the law) you go gurl!

Old Lurker said...

"Stefffan"

"Steeeven"

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Okay who are you and what have you done with Old Lurker? Good advice and I was thinking about the same thing. Tomorrow I meet my class mate, the other guy I'm not so sure about, he seems too needy lol, don't want someone else falling in love with me.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Mmmm hmmm, you know it sister, geekboy doesn't deserve all this booty-licious dessert! Snap"""!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurky, stick with being grumpy, white boy, you don't know diva like I do! ;)

Christina said...

I'm a little late to this party but I'm sorry you feel so bad.
You can't control what others think or feel only yourself.
Hope you're feeling better.x

Dave R said...

Sorry, you didn't really lose a friend. James was not as well grounded in reality as you thought he was. Also, keep in mind there's a difference between a friend and an acquaintance. Too often people confuse the two.

Autolycus said...

I've been in a very aimilar situation and had to do the same sort of thing. I felt a heel about it, but it was the right thing to do. You aren't to blame for your feelings, or responsible for his, only for what you do about it: and if what he was dreaming of wasn't right for you, far better to be open and candid about it now, rather than who knows how much longer down the road, when it would have hurt all the more.

Bob said...

I think you handled it perfectly, and he took it wrong. You said you wanted to be a friend and clearly he wanted more and when he realized he wasn't getting it,poof, he ran.

You were being completely honest, and that is the way it needs to be in any relationship. Keep doing that.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Christina, I feel better today, I know that I did everything I could to not hurt him.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave, you have an interesting take on this, yes.. when I think about it, he is an acquaintance more than a friend.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Autolycus, yes I agree with you and I didn't want the hurt feelings and yes it would have been worse later.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, thank you and yes I will keep being honest, there is less drama even though it seems different at the moment.

Plus forgive me for being a smarty pants on your blog yesterday! I can't help it... Deedles made me do it!!!

Deedles said...

HEYYYYYY! EXCUUUUUSE ME!!!!! Don't make me come up there and lick your face, Steven! I will lick a bitch! Cutting is too violent.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, oops I thought you were finished with this post, please allow me to dust off the tire tracks from the bus I threw you under!!!

Hahaha, you know me love you! :D

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

I don’t think you hurt him. You were sincere and that sometimes is necessary.
It seems to me that there was still some hope on his part and you did the right thing when you were clear about your feelings.
What he did was self preservation: he knows he fancies you so he’ll take himself out of the equation. I think it’s fair.
Maybe later he can be your friend. Not right now. He has feelings for you, Steve. It wouldn’t be fair with him and yes, it would have been way worse later.
Now, I see that you liked Tom of Finland, huh?

XoXo

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, that's a good grasp of the situation, yes you are right, if he likes me, he needs to move on and he can't have me in the picture while doing it.