Tuesday, October 8, 2019
A Pale Life.
Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.
One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.
Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.