Tuesday, October 8, 2019

A Pale Life.


 Next week I will be meeting my high school friend for lunch. We have been exchanging emails and it seems that we are pretty much in the same frame of mind regarding what we feel is important to us now. It's almost like we can finish each other's thoughts and it's nice to reconnect. He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up.

 One thing that I got from my conversations with him however, is my complete failure to turn my life around into something more positive. Yes.. I looked after mom and was a total saint but I didn't do anything to develop who I am. I buried myself in a crisis solving and a care mode lifestyle that I didn't see I wasn't living. He was telling me about the business he started, about how they take time to not only travel but to actually live in other countries for a few months and other things he did to grow as a person. He has accomplished a lot since we last met and even then he had already accomplished a lot.

 Last night I couldn't help asking myself what have I done. I felt my life was pale in comparison. I sentenced myself to a bleak life. My last years were spent in hospitals, nursing homes, social workers offices, doctor's offices. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, I discover years later that I'm wrong. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have looked after mom, I'm saying that I should have developed me as well. I keep feeling like I'm running out of time to do something, be somewhere, be someone but I don't know the answer.

30 comments:

Ur-spo said...

Please be careful here. It is human nature to compare our insides to peoples' outsides. This always makes us feel bad and deficit. For all you know he is struggling with terrible demons you wouldn't exchange your life for his for anything.
The ultimate 'good life" rests upon the question: Are there people in my life I love who love me back". From the comments in your blog you have this in spades.
You are a very fortunate fellow this way.

Deedles said...

Speaking as one of those "spades", I agree with Spo. You have to stop comparing yourself with others, Sweetie. I learned this a long time ago. You are a selfless person, which is so very much better than being a self-centered anal orifice that so many are. Stop ruminating on the negative and go forth as your charming, humorous self. I HAVE SPOKEN!!!

anne marie in philly said...

listen to the good doctor spo; you just received $200 worth of advice for free.

and the duchess has had a hard-knock life and has graced our blogs with her comments and friendship.

me? I had a hard-knock life start but I survived. I love myself; if you can say that, you are successful.

you be you, steven. cause we like you just the way you are!

Deedles said...

You tell him, Carebear!

mistress maddie said...

And yet another one to agree with the Wise One...Spo. I learned years ago to not "keep up with the Jones's". One must follow what one wants to do, and learn to be happy with your life. I may not have a fancy sports car, a huge 6 figure paying job, or a huge house with a home at the shore, but I'm happy with me and my life the way it is.

For starters do something fun and impromptu, like a visit to Philadelphia cutie pies.

Bob said...

I think we're all Team Ur-Spo ....
You cannot compare yourself to anyone else because no one has lived the exact life you have, with the same hindrances, helps, benefits and talents you have.
And you don't have to travel to grow, you just have to live and learn, learn.
As my parents told me when I was a wee queerling, "All you really 'get' in life is the chance to be happy."
Take that and run with it. and be you.

Deedles said...

Just a little side note: Maddie, Smiths not Joneses! That's my surname and keeping up with me involves flip-flops and crinkle dresses!

Old Lurker said...

"He understands a lot of my issues without me even bringing them up", hrm? I presume that is more coded language for "I didn't tell him either"? First your uncle and now your friend. What are you so scared of?

Also: total saint or not, by taking care of your mom (and your dad) you also grew as a person, even if you did not think you would. You now have skills and life experience that lots of other people lack. But if you want to complement those experiences with some different adventures then I hereby give you permission to do so. Even if you are not able to travel the world, there are many enriching experiences you can partake in. Join a choir! Ride a zipline! Snog a Spaniard! Live! Live! Life is a banquet, and some sorry sons of bitches are starving! There is no need for you to be one of them.

Jimmy said...

I love you Steven.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

You cannot compare yourself to anybody cause your life is yours.
Your ex classmate has done what he can with his life and you would have to be him to have the same kind of life.
Do you know if he has done sacrifices and things for his elders? Do you know how selfless one has to be to take care of the elderly?
You may not have a business, but you have a big heart.

XoXo

Christina said...

We are all corn kernels, same pan, same heat but we all pop at different times.
Your time will come. X

Deedles said...

I like the way Christina thinks.

anne marie in philly said...

@deedless - maddie might like the flip flops and crinkle dresses, come to think of it...

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dr Spo, your comment made me feel so much better. That thought was starting to form in the back of my mind after I wrote it but you fleshed it out and it rings true.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, well now you just had to go and be nice to me. I understand, "THE DEEDLES" has spoken and her words are now law. :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, $200 wow! I think it was worth more :).
Okay I'll be me, I actually kinda like that statement, makes sense.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Deedles, what... what is this? Are you guys ganging up on me with a nice assault! Lol

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, well thanks buddy and I was just thinking that... hey wait a minute.. wasn't it you who took the train across Europe and then spent the summer glamping with hot guys?? Whaaaa my life sucks! My life sucks!!! Lol, as long as you still luv me, I'm good! ;)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob, now you see why I keep him around! Plus he is a hugger!
I love that saying by your parents.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

DD, around here it was always the Joneses because around here we went barefoot in the snow and wore muskrat fur... so flip-flops and crinkle dresses sounded devine!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Grrr, Lurky! Have you not been reading my posts properly again??? I posted about telling him blah blah blah the other day. Tsk, tsk, task!

Second part me like :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Jimmy, awww, simple but sweet, thank you. :)

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, well now you tell me! You're making good points, I think I am seeing things more clearly today.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Christina, that's a cute way of putting it... and now I want a snack!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

DD, makes you want popcorn right? Eh? Eh?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, hahaha... I mean hahahaha! Well actually you are probably right! :D

Old Lurker said...

Oh, that high school friend? I did not make the connection. I was under the impression that the high school friend from the other entry was a relative stranger now, and that you had just reconnected.

Did you tell him? You said you were going to tell him, but that doesn't mean you did.

JP said...

I suspect your friend sees the qualities in you that he hasn’t got himself, and wishes he has.
JP

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, we haven't met yet but I have a backup plan if I chicken out! Lol, I can let him know without saying a word. Ship! My heart just started racing at the thought, I really don't see what the big deal is and yet my body freaks out.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

JP, that's a really kind and thoughtful thing to say.