Strange but one of the advantages to coming out has changed the way I see myself these days. In keeping with the thoughts of my last post, I find it ironic that the more I become involved with living a 'gay' life true to myself, the less I feel gay. Over the last ten years I felt very gay, it took up a lot of my free thoughts, everything I did in a social setting reminded me that I am gay. I could be at a BBQ and all I could think about was, "if these people knew I am gay what would they do", "look at the couples and I'm single because I'm gay," or "gay man eating a hot-dog talking to the straight people." I had always said I did not want my homosexuality to become who I was but looking back I had let it, only not in the way I was afraid of.
These days the ironic thing is that I often forget about 'being gay' I don't 'feel gay', I just feel like me again, Steven who happens to be dating a man. That is what I have always wanted and it is funny that the way for me to feel less stressed about my sexuality was to embrace it. There are still situations where I am keeping it under wraps and oddly they catch me off guard, now it is not so much of a panic feeling as it is me saying to myself, "oh yeah must pretend to be straight now" and actually I am less likely to pretend straight as I feel it is dishonest, more likely I will be evasive of my personal life. If I stay quiet on the subject it is more from me not wanting to cause conflict, than from feeling ashamed and embarrassed of being gay like I was before. I still have a lot to work on but at least now I don't think "gay man walking into mall to buy shoes."
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11 comments:
When we leave the closet, all those pesky hangers stop poking us in the ears.
All those years of trying to be "normal", and we didn't feel normal until we became real.
What a fascinating insight. I did not know this aspect of peaceful acceptance, sort of a coming out to oneself. This is important to those to who still have yet to step out of the closet.
Yes....so .... I just came out today to my mother and three sisters....I hope that I get to the point you are at now....because I have been thinking the same thing....gay man walking into Barns & Noble....etc etc
It's the great about coming out--once you are truly yourself to everyone, your gayness becomes a non-issue, except insofar as you have the joy of being part of a fantastic community of men.
You know, following your journey has been exciting and so gratifying. I know much of it must have been tense or scary, but you've done it with courage and style and deserve the great plateau you're standing on now.
Your post here shows deep insight to your journey and the journey of so many like you. I've re-read it a few times and came away with a better understanding of your struggle and the struggle that still rages within me.
Yes, isn't this a funny aspect of the journey? I think in my case it was a process of recognizing and dispelling stereotypes ("I may like guys, but I don't act like HIM!"), and recognizing that there was actually more space to life than that. You describe the experience very succinctly.
Speaking as a straight woman married to a loving man...I read your post...I truly hope you find your "calm" in life! People can be so cruel...that is a very interesting insight you spoke of...I'm glad you feel...just you, now....and not a label.
Great insight, Steven... the things we repress, keep hidden, seem to develop an outsized presence in our thoughts and souls. Were hostage to our secrets.
I see this as a result for many people after they have come out, which is a good thing. People should not be labeled as being gay. People should be labeled as "Steven, son, uncle, caring, sociable, honest, adventurous." I wait for the day that when I hear the word "gay" I'm thinking of an adjective, the state of being, and not my sexual orientation.
I went through that as well. It does go away. I don't feel gay, or think about it. I'm just me, lol. Its refreshing.
Great insight that landed me here - possibly true for a lot of others as well. :)
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