Monday, September 15, 2008

Try

After the 'talk' with Dave, I was not in a good place. I felt it was probably over for us and there was the feeling of losing someone close, similar to a death almost. Friday I spent crying over every memory that entered my head like a school girl, by the end of the day my eyes and nose were sore and I had given myself a wicked headache. The little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "so this is what a broken heart feels like." Friday evening Dave called to check up on me, he said that he thought all day about 'us' and asked if we could discuss this further over the weekend some time. I could not really talk that night so I agreed to meet some time Saturday or Sunday. It was raining Saturday and Dave again called in the after noon and asked me to come over so I did.

When I got there, we at first of course did the usual small talk but I figured no sense in beating around the bush so I asked what he thought about. He said that he just wants to see me happy, that was the most important thing for him and if that means I have to move on and find someone else to make me happy then he would understand. He said he just wants what is best for me. He also then went on to say that he thought we could work this out however, that he had often wondered about whether he should be more sexual with me and that he did not really grasp how important that part of our relationship was to me. He then cried a little and told me that he knew he loved me but did not realize how much until on Friday he thought he might lose me.

I told him it is very simple if he wants us to be together, I said we have to be more than buddies and that I want to be intimate with him. I told him that everything else about him was perfect, that I was happy with him on all other accounts, I also told him I know he loves me, I feel it from him all the time. I said it is not like I am asking him for something out of this world, that it has nothing to do with actual 'sex', it is that I need him, I need to be 'with' him. I want the connection, I told him that it is too hard having the guy I love most in the world lying next to me and not being able to touch him. I then said I am not going to apologize or feel guilty for being sexually attracted to my boyfriend, it is what is suppose to happen. I made it clear to him that I understand he has issues about sex and not to feel embarrassed with me, there is nothing to hide anymore and I love him faults and all.

He agreed to put more effort into that area of our relationship and asked me to tell him if there is a problem. He said he knew for sure this is a relationship he wants to work on keeping because of being able to talk about these issues. He said with other relationships he had, they would just argue and nothing would get solved. I know he will never be really into the intimate part of this relationship and there are some issues he can't help, but I can live with those as long as he at least tries. This way I don't feel overwhelmed as if I am entering into another life of celibacy which is something I do not want. I feel he finally gets it now, that he really heard me, we can try to work on this and see where it goes. I am not naive enough to think that all is well now, it may be okay for a while and drift back to the way it was before and that would be a signal for me to decide to stay or finally move on. The power he has over me is this, in our lives we have very few people that really love us, I mean 'really' love us. Our mothers for example or a grandparent, usually a grandmother, that is a kind of love that we just 'feel' coming from that person. When ever you find someone that gives you that kind of love you just want to be around it, Dave gives me that warm feeling, it is in his hugs, how he looks at me, kisses me and the way he says my name. That is why for this relationship we have to at least try.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for being so wraped up in my own drama of life....you are a good friend and I hope you and Dave can really work on this ares of your relationship.

Birdie said...

This is the ebb and flow of all relationships. You are both talking openly and honestly, making adjustments because you love each other. Good! The important things must never be sacrificed—and each of you must know for yourselves what those are—but accommodations are necessary in any relationship. Celebrate each other in wholeness, the similarities and the differences.

To be held in an open hand is the tightest grip of all. Honesty is the key. Best of love to you both.

Creative Thinker said...

That is wonderful that both of you are communicating!! I truly hope things work out for you all. Always be open to talking. You may want to consider some kind of counseling if you feel that your communication ever starts lacking. I would still go ahead and suggest it becuase not only will it help both of you work thru this particular issue, but I think that it will show you areas in which you will love each other even more. Love to you...

Java said...

Has Dave sought medical help for his low libido? Do you know if it is medical/physical, or more psychological? If he is really committed to trying, he should check out these things, IMHO.

I'm glad you two are communicating better. I hope it helps. You sound like you are going about this with wisdom. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Steven, at last he saw what he was losing and what you were [against your will] would like to give up.

I do hope the both of you get stronger from this, get more intimate, more loving, more one-ness.

A Troll At Sea said...

Steve-o:

I am really glad you you are both going to give it another try. Maybe even two... Whoever thought "three strikes and you're out" applied to life, let alone the human heart, was not entirely human.

Hang in there.
T@C

Vic Mansfield said...

Sounds like maybe you are both in some new territory. Give it a chance - it can't hurt much worse than it already does.

I'm wishing and praying the best for you both. Separately and together.

daveincleveland said...

dear friend steven

you have given me so much support and help and now my turn...i am so glad that at least he is going to try..take the hugs, kisses and be patient with him..he is a real keeper and hoping and praying you guys will work things out
hugs from cleveland
dave

Topher said...

Am glad to hear that you two are trying to work this out. It's prolly just coincidence but what you and Dave are going through, C- and I have had to deal with. It was harder for me initially since I just try to up and go rather than talking it out and trying to find a solution. Like you said, it's not often we find someone who will love us unconditionally. You get that with god, or whatever you'd wanna call him/her, and maybe your parents and some family. I think sometimes I get overwhelmed, it's as if it surprises me still someone can love me so deeply that sadly, I go out of my way at times to magnify my faults to make them change their mind...

Greg said...

Ah, yes...communication. That is the thing.

I love that the two of you are able to speak so openly and honestly to one another... every relationship has its issues; being able to address them and work through them if possible is the Key.

I wish you both all the best.

Anonymous said...

From what I have seen, you are the one who has expended the most in this relationship so far. It's time for Dave to put his best foot forward trying to reconcile any remaining differences. Hopefully a continued open dialogue between the two of you will help facilitate.