One Moment In Time

This time last year I was totally frustrated, this time last year I felt the true me was bursting to get out. I no longer wanted to stay completely in the closet but was so afraid of what would happen. I had visions of people being angry with me, ashamed of me to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. I felt and was so alone, scared, confused, people could be around me but still I felt as if I was in a vast desert with no one in sight for miles. I couldn't stand living this false straight life any longer, I was too tired to fight who I really was inside, the stories, the lies, the denials were all starting to fall apart and I could not take it any more. I wanted to tell at least one person I was gay, I wanted someone on this huge globe with billions of people to know the real me. I just could not get up the nerve and did not know how to get the sentence out. I could see the days passing me by and I was missing out on the many wonders of what being human was all about. I had never been in love, I had no one to share my life with and I had never really had a chance to take part in the every day gifts that being in a relationship brings.

One moment in time, one moment that changed the course of this ship. I had been wanting to tell my close friend Eric but I just could not do it. I felt so frustrated inside, over whelmed like trying to swim against a strong current. I had been so completely obsessed with hiding being gay, that I did not know any other way of life. One year ago tonight we were out for an evening and we bumped into a lesbian couple that I knew. At first I was afraid, he would talk about it after they left, he had started to notice that I never dated anyone, he might ask me questions and I did not want to talk about anything 'gay' as some anti-gay alarm might go off and the whole world would know I was gay also. He said he had no problem with gay people and then he asked, "what about you, are you gay"? One moment in time, in a split second my mind raced with how to answer. Do I say the usual "oh shut up I think you are gay" to pretend to laugh it off and change the subject. Do I finally take this opportunity and admit the truth, almost a gift handed to me as I will only be answering him. I was thinking if I say yes then there is no going back. Yes no yes no yes no, these two words were streaming through my mind at light speed. I almost felt dizzy, one moment, one moment in time, I closed my eyes and said... "yes".

A whole year now since I heard the first "click" of the closet door opening, a whole year since the weight on my shoulders began to fall away. For anyone out there in this process, my only regret so far is that I did not do it sooner. I remember feeling angry with blog writers who constantly said come out, that it is a type of freedom, however I see now they were right all along. Of course you have to do it in a smart way and choose the people who you first come out to but it is the right thing to do. I feel much happier and more relaxed with who I am and it may sound strange but I feel more 'honest' now around my friends, not like I am being dishonest by hiding something on them. One year ago today was my cross road, my moment where I decided a major change in my life and in that moment of time I am so glad I said the simple word "yes".