Slightly Dented

Since Dave is on holidays at the moment we have more opportunity to be together. However I did not feel welcomed to go over and visit, so I stayed away until Tuesday. It was awkward being around him again, he seemed more his normal self than the cold way he had been acting these past few days. I kept waiting for him to apologize for his behaviour, he never did. Later that evening I figure we needed to have the 'talk', I told him everything, the way I felt, how his behaviour startled me, how he seemed like a totally different person, how I wondered what he will do in a major crisis. He seemed almost surprised, he had been so wrapped up (still) in his problem, (and it is a minor problem) that he had not noticed anything wrong between us. He said he thought later it was probably wrong of him to act that way, he said that he is not trying to make excuses but the red tape (red tape he caused by not following rules) he was put through made him snap. We talked in circles about it until he said he was done talking about it, I pointed out that he never once apologized, he fell silent and was a bit red in the face. It would have been better if he was angry with me for no reason, what hurt the most was that he was indifferent to me, he could have cared less for days if I was around or not, please no one try to sugar coat this, he even admitted this in our conversation.

I can't help also feel that I would not be able to rely on him in a time of crisis, he shows no diplomacy, from what he has told me, he is the type of person that goes into a store and starts to yell and swear at the manager. That to me is the dumbest thing a person can do, no one is going to help you if you are acting like an idiot, what is the point of trying to scream that you are right if you never get the results you want. Dave did say that he is never violent towards another person physically, he said it is not in his nature and has never hit someone in his life, he felt awful when I said I was uncomfortable during the tantrum. He promised to try and be more careful in how he relates to me when he is upset about something. He asked if that was why I had not come over the last few days, he was embarrassed when I said I did not feel welcomed anymore.

To be fair to people who read this blog, there has been another problem that keeps coming up between us as well, I thought we could work through it but he just shuts down when ever I try to talk to him about it. That is the reason I was so panicked over this issue, past behaviour shows he is not willing to deal with any major problem so I want people to understand this is not the first problem to come up and I suddenly fell to pieces and could not deal with it. For now we have placed our cards on the table, it is pretty much back to the way it was before. He asked me the next day "are we good" I told him we are okay but that the relationship was slightly damaged over this I felt. I then told him about the email, he just laughed, I asked him since we already discussed the issue to delete it, I said however if he does read it and is hurt by it... then tough!

"Beginning of the end", when I wrote that post I did not mean it was the beginning of the end of our relationship, I am not that dramatic to suddenly call it quits, sorry to have startled people. What I meant was if there should be an ending, I foresee how it could happen... I see the path that may lead us there and no matter what I do to stay off of it, 'he' may force me onto that path. If every time there is a problem, he shuts me out and there is no working through it, there is no way a relationship can keep going on like that before it falls apart, if a relationship becomes constant 'work' there is a problem, to me my partner should be someone I go to in time of crisis... not become the cause of it.