In keeping with my thoughts of travelling on this road towards my gay life, I have to still be clear that it is hard for me. I never want to give the impression that it has now become a piece of cake, as I often say that would not be honest of me and I would not want to make someone struggling with these feelings, think that they were weak for not storming through like a gay super hero. I have started to accept my being gay as part of who I am, something I cannot change and the only life I can lead if I want to be true to myself. I no longer feel hated by God, just misunderstood by the people who say they speak for him. I also no longer feel alone or feel that this is uncommon. I have gone through an awakening of sorts which showed me sexuality flows in different degrees between gay to straight, that people like me have been all around waiting for contact, only I did not see them because I kept turning a blind eye to them, and not because they were not there. I understand the only choice I have now is to be me or to pretend to be someone else, however pretending to be someone else will churn underneath until it spills over and I am revealed in spite of myself.
One more step, always one more step, one more step to being gay and I will have to accept that this is my life. I know it will get easier as I continue and at the same time not get easier. The train running through my head at the moment is a dinner party coming up on Monday, it is a work related dinner for Dave. I have met some of his coworkers and they were nice, however not all know he is gay. They are excited that Dave is bringing someone to the dinner, they can hardly wait to meet the 'woman' that finally caught Dave. At first I thought if Dave was okay with them finding out that way, then it was his choice and agreed to go, however as the day approaches I am not comfortable with being Dave's great surprise. I want to back out but I made a promise, I will continue to go, and keep reminding myself I will be with a wonderful man, my friend, my partner, my Dave. We will have a protective wall of friends there, people who love Dave and support him. Unnerved is how I am feeling and the only way to chase it away, is to run at it head on. For other gay newbies, the coming out process is not easy but it is me, it is who I am and it takes less energy, emotion and "self", to be honest with who you really are, than to keep it bottled inside.
My List
About Me
- Sooo-this-is-me
- Ontario, Canada
- Lived most of my life hidden in the closet and suddenly realized, it's just not working! I started the process of coming out (way back in 2006) and wanted to write about it, hoping to meet people. My blog has shifted a bit now, sometimes gay issues, sometimes every day issues.
8 comments:
It must be daunting to be the surprise act but I also think it's a great compliment - Dave is obviously comfortable with showing you off. I would gladly go because of that if I were in your shoes. :)
Do not back out! Sunshine is totally right, you should be so proud of it. Dave will bring the person he loves so much to the party. And you have had these situations before and did they not go very very well?
I think sunshine and steve are very right--I also thing that two things are going on with Dave taking you to this event that will inevitably out him to his company.
First, he's in a relationship in which he's proud and secure. He knows you both want it to be for the long haul and that he wants you to be part of ALL his life.
Second, it's going to be a very big moment for him, certainly somewhat scary, and he needs you there for him when the time comes.
It'll be fine--just love each other and it'll all work out fine.
Agreed, don't back out. It's just another one of those steps you will have to take. He wouldn't be taking you if he knew you'd be in an bad situation.
I was in a similar situation about a year ago, only I didn't know the guy I was dating wasn't out to his coworkers. It was a bday party downtown at a lounge and I was sitting with my arm around him. The whispers started and it wasn't until he had a few drinks and mingled that he told me. I thought it was a little divisive of him, but his coworkers thought we made cute couple and I realized how hard that was for him.....so I decided it wasn't an issue after-all.
Just go have a good time, dude...
Life in general takes many steps and turns, it isn't just for us queerfolk. Though ours are more "uphill" kind of steps, to be sure.
And, if Dave were taking a woman, she would probably be nervous, too. Not to dismiss you apprehensions, I can sure understand why you'd be anxious. But go, sweetheart. You can do it. Be there for all of us yearning to come out more. Be there on the frontline for me, and be you inimitable wonderful self. Why else would Dave want to take YOU!
I will make a deal with you. My boyfriend-(getting more serious every day) is planning on me going (and I said yes) to a family wedding in October. Today while being with him he lets me know that there will only be a few who know he is gay...so it will be a showing of who is he and who I am...it is funny that you would post this now...so I agree with everyone...they have more experience...go with him....and when I am freaking out more come October you can tell me how GREAT it went again so I can go too! Thanks. ;-)
best wishes, dear, on a fun and exciting evening out with Dave and his co-workers. I hope it goes smoothly. Let us know, eh?
It's almost like a "coming out" that is not on your terms, or is a surprise "coming out." Perhaps this type of venue will make you comfortable with any kind of "coming out" process, REALLY making you comfotable to confront this at any given moment. Even when a curve ball is thrown at you. Here's to more confidence building!
Post a Comment