Selectively Out, or not.

Until very recently, even just the thought of coming out to anyone would start my heart racing. I saw it as the end if someone found out I was gay. I feared the finality of coming out, once the words were out they could never be retracted, if it went badly there would be no turning back I would have to take what ever was thrown my way. I also worried about the disappearance of "me", I did not want people to see me as just a gay man but as a man, who also happens to be gay. It is important that my personality is not perceived as just a supporting role for my homosexuality. Worse was the thought that someone would view me with pity, as if I were a second class member of society. I wonder if fear of people not accepting me being gay was really me not accepting myself as being gay.

Something finally began to change for me inside, I began to feel that I wanted to tell people, that I almost needed to tell people. I wanted to be honest with my friends and let them know who I really am. A blogger friend of mine told me he thought I was brave to want to start and tell people, I told him truthfully I am not brave just really tired of pretending. I feel this whole straight guy act is about to unravel and I don't have the strength or desire to keep it up.

Another blogger buddy of mine and I were once talking about my coming out and he asked me what would be the worst possible result that I imagined from telling friends. I told him that visions of angry villagers with pitchforks and torches pounding on my door would be one that comes to mind. Seriously I began to think this over, I realized that I have been grooming my circle of friends for this moment, over the last couple of years I began to cut people out of my life that were really bigoted towards gay people and keep those who were more open minded about things. I did not set out to do this as a plan, more like I kept the people I felt more comfortable with. I don't plan to be out and loud about it, more like being selectively out, I don't feel like people at work who are not close to me need to know or some older relatives that I love deeply but being from a different generation would just never understand. However not my friends, I will not be selective with them, if they want to remain friends then I'm a package deal. I had thought of being selective with some of my friends as well, however after some thought on this I just can't see having a friendship with someone that could not be happy for me if I were to find a boyfriend, that would never invite both of us for supper or squirm if I spoke of him. I think that would be only a partial friendship and I am at a place in my life where I don't want a partial life any more.