Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Oh horror! Oh Christmas Shopping Horror!


 Today I was in a mall, I wanted to pick up a few things and get a haircut. I also decided to eat there as it would save me from having to cook at home later. The mall is completely decorated for the holidays and there was even some Christmas music playing. At the barbershop, which is right inside the mall, I couldn't help staring at the guy beside me, I could do it discreetly using the mirror, he was a cutie and he got a brush cut and his beard neatly trimmed, grrrrowl, unfortunately he didn't ask me to go home with him and make sweet sweet love to him all evening, darn I hate it when that happens.

 As I was coming out of the barbershop, something horrible began to take place. Maddie I need you to hold my hand as I tell this, I know you will understand me the most. Walking out into the mall, there was a terrible sound, I asked people if someone was playing the bagpipes... or actually if someone was murdering a goose by beating it to death with a set of bagpipes! People began to cover their ears and run for the doors, dogs in parked cars began to howl outside. There was something familiar with the sound and it grew louder. People suddenly ran for the doors screaming as blood began to run out of their ears. An elderly woman was shoved to the ground and as I tried to help her up, she heroically tried to wave me on, she said, "save yourself young man, leave me here, run for your life sweetie.... it's that fucking Mariah Carey song"!

 At the mention of the song, a woman near us screamed in horror and fainted. That's it, that was the sound, it wasn't someone stepping on a cat in heat, it was Mariah Carey singing "All I want for Christmas"! I grabbed the old lady and put her arm around my shoulder, I told her I'm not leaving anyone behind! Well except the lady who fainted because she was wearing a Grey's Anatomy sweatshirt, so you get what you deserve. As we were running for the doors, a young girl stopped us, she pointed to a speaker on the wall, without missing a beat, I took the old lady's cane and beat the sparks out of the speaker. Once outside the police had arrived, looking panicked, he asked what was happening. I just blurted out, "Mariahalliwantforchristmasscreaming"! Jumping as if he had been stung by a bee, he ran to the trunk of his car and pulled out a police issue shotgun. With a cool strong tone in his voice he said, "I've got this". He went in and took care of the speakers, then after twenty minutes they led out Martha, the holiday coordinator for the mall, in handcuffs. I don't know what will happen to her but I hope she ends up in a cell where they play Celine Dion's "Oh Holy Night" on a loop over and over until Easter as punishment.

 I bought cookies at the drug store because they were on sale for $1.99 and went home after, the end. This is a true story.... well the part about the cookies on sale is true.

26 comments:

Bob said...

Mariah should be put on permanent time out.

But, a mall? Mall? MALLLLLLLL?
Oh, honey, no .....no.

anne marie in philly said...

I H8 MOORIAH CAREY! I also h8 xmess music and malls. bah humbug.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Now THAT'S good writing!

mistress maddie said...

"Mariah Carey singing "All I want for Christmas"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*passes out on chaise lounge*

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Bob... really Bob? Really? Did you not find this at least a little funny? I just wanted a haircut and a coffee, it's not like I shop for clothes there.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Anne Marie, really? Really Anne Marie? Did you not find this a little bit funny? Hahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Debra, really? Really Debra... oh wait you liked it, thank you, that's your Canadian sense of humour, Americans lost theirs, that's why they think Jim Carrey is funny... ugh.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, see you get me right? It was horrible Maddie sniff, sniffle, sniff, just horrible! X(...

Old Lurker said...

Go on. Make fun of my cultural practices. I don't mind. I'll have you know that I listen to that song on endless repeat and I have no qualms about doing so on an external Bluetooth speaker with the volume at full blast. Those kids with their rap music clear the streets when I roll into town.

Old Lurker said...

I'll also have you know that I am a big fan of Gray's Anatomy.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Hahahaha
Bad, Bad Steven! Oh no, now I've got the hiccups!! Hahahaha
I actually love that fucking song. It's overplayed, I know. But I like it!.
I also hate going to the mall and can't take xmas music, ugh.

XOXO

HuntleyBiGuy said...

Now that’s a great story! Bravo! I saw the title and thought, “yep the full press to Christmas is on! I hear you. Thanksgiving in the US hasn’t even come and the lights and holly brigade are in full force.”

But you are very creative and gave me a great laugh.

mistress maddie said...

Sixpense...i love you and all, but i will have to take away 2 princess points from you!!!!!

Richard said...

You can't stop the Christmas Express. It has left the station and is on the way to you.

Autolycus said...

You may or may not be interested to know she's been signed up to advertise crisps in the UK:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvuS3Xz_q-8

Dave R said...

Mariah Carey has a Christmas song? Good thing I don't go to malls.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurker, I thought you said you are from a different religion and don't celebrate Christmas?

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurky, now stop checking out Gray's anatomy, he's not there for your objectification!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Sixpence, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle you sexy gay! Yes my bad! Hahaha!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

HuntleyBiGuy, if you laughed, then my work here is done! :D

Thank you.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Richard, I confess, I like Christmas.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Autolycus, I guess things are getting bad for her if she is selling crisps!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Dave... good news buddy, I located your store and they promised to play that song... several times a day when you are working, you are welcome! Hahaha!

Old Lurker said...

I never said my cultural practices were Christian. Mostly they center around scaring away surly teenagers playing rap music on their Bluetooth speakers.

Also it doesn't matter if you are Christian or not; you are going to be awash in Xmas nonsense for the next two months. I'll bet even AM will be humming carols in a few weeks time.

As for Gray's Anatomy: you're completely right. Jesus said that it would be better to put out my eye than watch those choir videos he posts on endless repeat, so I had better get on that. But have you ever heard that man's voice? "You been stealing eggs?" he says, and my knees go weak.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Lurky, yes he does have a sexy manly voice... and that accent.. oh boy... chills down my spine, plus those cuddly gay bear looks, wait... what were we talking about, oh yes I was telling you to stop drooling over the man you are embarrassing yourself!

I'm not religious but fun is fun, make your Yule tide gay! What could be more homo-friendly than all the pretty bows and twinkling lights, so fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la! :D

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Maddie, don't be too harsh with sixpence, he's been posting some really hot stuff lately!