I should say "I'm doing okay" but I can't, that would just not be true. People ask, "how are you holding up" but they don't want a real answer, they want me (us) to say that we are doing fine, that life is roses again. This crap hurts and it hurts deep, I just can't write at this moment, and it is not from having little to say, more like having too much to say and a flood of thoughts and emotions jam into my fingers to get to the keyboard first. Yes I show a strong face to the world and no I'm not losing my marbles, I'm just really sad right now.
Probably a good time to mention how I appreciated the very kind and thoughtful comments over these last months, they really do help to know people care or at least understand how I feel (Catrina, sorry for the loss of your mother, you were correct, nothing prepares a person for the sorrow when you actually lose someone). I do often wonder what all of you have been up to. Birdie (my sweetie pie), you don't have to check for the rest of the week now, I'm not going to be near my computer!
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About Me
- Sooo-this-is-me
- Ontario, Canada
- Lived most of my life hidden in the closet and suddenly realized, it's just not working! I started the process of coming out (way back in 2006) and wanted to write about it, hoping to meet people. My blog has shifted a bit now, sometimes gay issues, sometimes every day issues.
6 comments:
I am hearing you.
Yes, folk want you to be "OK". The fact is hurting, crying, sadness, mourning ARE the right things to be doing/feeling. Yes, you are OK; right where you should be.
As if handling our own grief weren't enough, folk want us to make them feel OK.
It hurts. It will hurt. You will make it.
The crunch occurs after the service is over, after the friends and family disperse, when you're finally alone. Hold onto your love for him and his for you. Gradually grief for his loss in the physical world will be replaced by the realization that your love for him and his love for you means that he will be with you forever.
It's okay not to be okay for as long as you need to grieve. It will come in waves, some gentle and some overpowering. Seek those who will let you talk when you need to and will be silent by your side. Much love to you, honey, and continued prayers.
I'm going through the same process for my brother, though fortunately most of my friends don't expect me to be okay. I guess that's one of the hidden benefits of hanging out with a bunch of emotional actor/artist types. But yes, this crap really hurts, REALLY hurts, it sucks in all sorts of ways, and there's no reason you should pretend otherwise. I think pretending to be all right, or bottling up your grief would actually be counterproductive, maybe even unhealthy, so I'm glad you're letting the grief tell you what to do, rather than the other way around. I hope there comes a time when you're able to let the 'flood of thoughts and emotions' out, whether it's here on the blog, in a more private venue for your family, or even just for yourself, if that's what feels best. And if sometimes your 'strong face to the world' slips a bit, so be it. Grief and sadness are healthy and necessary.
Certainly, we want our friends happy. And we are also so sad when they are not. If only we could be able to take away our friends' pain.
But we ask, too, how you are, so that you'll know that we care...and also that you know that we are here to listen if/when being heard will help you.
Love and Peace, Steven.
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