In The Back Of My Mind

Accepting being gay seems to be a never ending story. I know I had no choice, I know this is who I am. I always believed that I was born this way as I have 'known' something was very different about me from the beginning. I am trying to do my best to live as a normal guy, that is a normal guy who just happens to also be gay. Every now and then however I hear something that hurts... deeply... no it is not some goof saying the word 'fag' or some religious nut spewing off at the mouth. It is when I hear something from a source that I thought I trusted. It seems that some Doctors believe that we may not be born gay but born with a gene that can trigger us being gay. That is why they say not all identical twins are both gay. Some are saying that to prevent this (being gay) young boys need to spend special time with their fathers, they said it does not matter what they do, but that the bond it formed with their male role model. Example being that if a boy likes to play with dolls or tea party, the father does not make him stop playing dolls but rather gets down on the floor and plays with the boy. Over time the child bonds with the father and this is suppose to keep the homosexual feelings from being triggered. I was shocked to see this also on Dr Phil, I thought he was big on helping people. It made me take a step back because I wondered if Phil would have a quack on his show.

This is another one of those arrows that pierces my very core. Back in circles again, about being gay, accepting myself as gay, feeling that I had no other choice. It hurts to think that maybe I could have been straight, with a wife, kids and all the other happy ever after story lines that go along with it. That was all I ever wanted, however now I finally started to accept that this is a version of life I will not have. To think only because of not being close to my Dad, if he had taken the time to just pay a little attention to me maybe things would be different. It is always there... in the back of my mind... my Dad never had any time for me, we were not close. He was a good Dad as in a provider for the family and he was solid, we always knew he would be there, but he was not affectionate, especially not to a son. It makes me wonder, do these people know this and try to take advantage of these situations, am I gay because my Dad would not let me get close to him, or did he not get close because he did not feel a connection with a son that was softer than other boys his age and had no interest in the same things.

I expected better from a show like Dr Phil. I guess I should have clued in that Phil is not about helping people like Oprah does when he showed up at the hospital with cameras in tow to make a scene with Spears, even when her family asked him to stay away. I even hear he is not an actual Dr because he ran into trouble for hiring one of his patience and then made a pass at her (or so she says). Even if they found a way to change people in their adult life, what am I suppose to do with this now, thank them for saying everything I struggled with is no longer valid, that finally being honest with myself was a waste, that I should say goodbye to my first love and find someone else, would they? Am I suppose to feel good about being call an accident or gay time-bomb, like a cell that turns cancerous or having DNA that causes me to have some genetic disorder later in life? Why change it anyway, if the trigger is there that turns some children gay, it must have a purpose in life, maybe to keep the population down, and no matter what you believe in regarding nature, God etc, you are tampering with something that probably was meant to be, I was meant to be.