We can't change the past but I wish I could, people always tell me we can't go back and I know that but... I wish that I could go back and find a backbone to change many things. Not so much things that happened, more like things that I did not let happen. People I would not allow myself to meet, words that I did not speak, phrases that I did not say. I'm stuck again, in that rut of feeling sorry for myself in how I let my life play out, or should I say how I let time run out. Lately it really gets me down, perhaps it is the dark winter months drawing out problems that are lying under the surface. People can tell me maybe I was meant to wait for Dave, or that I could have wasted my time dating a few Mr wrongs first. Is that not however the way life is suppose to work, we have some experiences and learn from them.
Some days I feel sorrow for the young man that never got to live his life, how I kept him hidden away in a closet. I think of how he wanted friends he could be close to, someone to love him and him to love back, how he just wanted to go out and dance. Nothing strange, no heavy drinking just to go out and dance with a group of his peers. He was a nice young man and he should have had his chance, however that time is past now.
I had a dream the other night and it makes me think this veil is lifting. I woke up from it feeling good about myself. I dreamt that I was back in high-school, one of my friends was asking if I was seeing anyone. I proudly answered, "yes I am" they asked who and without any fear I said "I'm seeing a guy in the city, his name is Dave". They were surprised and said "you mean you're gay"! I just calmly answered back "well yeah, didn't you know". That seemed to make them feel stupid for saying something they should have known. We just went on from there like nothing happened. Of course that is probably not how things would have turned out if I really told them back then but still the dream speaks volumes. Normally in a dream I would still deny that I am gay, this time it made me feel good to tell the truth and not scared. I smiled when I woke up because of the feeling I had in the dream, of being proud to be in a relationship with a man like Dave and without second thought I wanted that person to know. I think it all fits into me accepting being gay and it gets a little better each day.
The dream also helped in that it went back to my youth and felt as if I was repairing the damage of hiding, maybe not so much the damage of hiding but the damage of not living that part of myself. We can't change the past but maybe we can go back and change the nightmares from our past, maybe we can dream life better... and move on from there. Maybe that young man's chance is gone now but he can say to his older self, "its your turn, live your life for the both of us.
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4 comments:
What a great post, thanks.
I have found that as I become older, I do not care what others may or may not think of me. It's what I think about myself that counts. What's past is past and what's important is that from this day on, you can say what you want and do not worry what other's think. I remember the old saying, " They don't put bread and butter on my table, so why should I care what they think, especially, of me?!"
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
I think that significant, transformative repair-work takes place in dreams.
I believe that the most important thing, in a way the only thing, is the direction we're going, the path we've decided to take, no matter how late in the journey.
Oh, what a beautiful dream! I'm so glad you remembered it all - they can be so fleeting sometimes.
Here's a hug for your young man inside...
I think we all go through that phase and I am glad you're going through that at a younger age than most, including myself. But here's to the future where you can change and make a difference. You can't change what happened in the past.
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