Stupid Is

I was wondering if I should write this post, it is hard to write, it is scary to write but maybe someone can learn from my mistake. Dave and I are going for an HIV test this afternoon. I have been stupid, I have been careless, there is a 90% chance that I will be alright but there is also a 10% chance that my muddy thinking could end my life.

I have not been in a relationship of any kind for almost thirteen years, I was very, very careful in the past as I was terrified of getting aids. Dave has not been in a relationship for five years, his last boyfriend he said like to hide stuff from him and so Dave became tired of the game and ended it. So far Dave and I have engaged in what is called low risk behaviour, but we were not safe and low risk is still risk. Twice we got caught up in the moment and went a little farther than we should have without protection. My reality of this disease snapped back after talking to a friend of mine, he was happy that he had his final HIV test and everything was clear. His back ground is that he used to work in a hospital, was injured by a used needle and so had to go for an HIV test every year for ten years to be sure he was in the clear. That is just the danger of this virus, it can hide and it is out there. I remember watching an interview one time where the doctor said that actually it is often guys in relationships that get aids. He said the reason is once in a relationship, the men trust each other not realizing one man is carrying the virus. He said the one night stands often are careful because they know enough not to trust a stranger, these words are ringing in my ears right now.

I try to stay calm about it, Dave does not play around, it has been five years, his past boyfriend has never come back to say he is sick. Dave never gets sick and he sees a doctor once a year for a check-up, like I said so far we have been involved in low risk sexual contact but still, people do get aids like this all the time. I am angry with myself at the moment, more than likely it will be fine but still, why did I put myself in this situation, this is the time where one slip up will cost. I noticed we bloggers don't often like to talk about HIV, as if mentioning or reading about it will bring the virus on us. I also noticed in the past when another blog writer does mention it, often no one will respond, including myself. I think a little scare is probably good for us every now and again. Certainly if everything is alright and if in future this relationship does not last, then later I start another relationship, I will think twice so as not to go through this again. All I can do now is take the test, wait and then I will let you guys know the results. I don't want to scare anyone here, it is not that we think something is wrong, we just want to be sure we know our health before getting really hot and heavy. We just felt the test would be a good idea to start the relationship on.

As a side note, I have removed my picture. The reason is that Dave's friends and some family have met me. I don't feel it fair to him if someone should find my blog, it could also cause him trouble at his job. Also on my side of things, two friends have come close to finding it, there are some things written that may hurt some people so I took down the picture, if they stumble onto the blog, no one will know it is me. So don't worry, it is not that I suddenly want to go back into the closet, just that I don't want to make people I care about uncomfortable.