Life, ugh!

This week I was doing my self review, as I often do, to see where I am with coming out. I was thinking about the party coming up and the people I am going to meet. I also was thinking about the guy who may be there that my sister wants to fix me up with. Maybe he will be there maybe he won't, maybe someone else will be there that I hit it off with or just maybe someone will know someone that they can fix me up with. I had said that for now I just want to meet people and make friends, not really ready to date but you never know what may come up. There is a problem however with me meeting people, that would be my blog buddy who I care for deeply. To make this easy, lets give him a name, uhmm just off the top of my head lets call him John, good simple name and it is not a metaphor for anything, he is a real live person. We are really close, much, much more than just friends and I think he is a total sweetheart. In fact if John lived closer to me, we would be dating for real. He is like an emotional pick-pocket, because while reaching out to show me he wears his heart on his sleeve, in the distraction I did not notice he stole my heart as well. I do wonder what it is like to kiss him, hug him, touch him and lay with him. He tells me that his vision for us is to grow old together and one day be like the two old guys (Waldorf and Statler) on the Muppet's show, well you have to give him credit for out of the box thinking. Like I have said we talk almost every night for hours, we even talk about what we mean to each other so we are both clear that there is love there. However the reality of this relationship has been sinking in lately, which is that we are too far from each other to be able to have a true relationship. He is just starting a career and would not be able to leave his country, his family is of a different cultural background, he feels not very accepting of a gay son. He is not in a place where he could start a real relationship and I understand that. I am also at a cross roads with work, plus there are my parents who I am very close to, leaving them now as they age would be unthinkable.

I was mulling this over in my head and thought it is wrong to go on like this. Maybe I am using him as an excuse not to date or meet people and it is a wall that I put up that is preventing me from moving forward. I thought the right thing to do is tell him this and face the reality that we will never be together. On Wednesday evening I explained to him that although I wish he was the one that I would be dating, it was something that just could never happen, there were too many obstacles in our way and it was time we faced that. He said he understood and agreed that I was right, that we could not be together, he said as long as he at least had my friendship would be good enough. He sounded a little disappointed but being the nice guy, he accepted it.

As a gay man I want to stay away from drama or too much emotions, I still see it as a sign of weakness so I really hate it if something makes me tear up. I also fear the stereo types of the gay guy who will cry at the drop of a hat, but this week I brought drama onto myself. It started after I finished talking to John, instead of feeling like I did the right thing, I did not feel good about it at all. I felt more like I was sick and was about to vomit. In a way I was thinking it was me sort of saying good-bye. The feeling was as if I had stomped on a kitten, and the thought of hurting John kept making me want to tear up. I remember thinking uh-oh! The next day was worse, he would send little messages saying he understood, he was happy to have me in his life as a friend, that I meant a lot to him and that put me on the edge. I had to tell him I was on line but just was not able to talk to him. That night we spoke and I felt that I was drowning, so I told him everything on my mind. The truth is that I don't want to meet anyone else, I only want to meet him. To me he is the type of decent person I see myself spending the rest of my life with. That I never felt this way about anyone else before. That I was so confused and just could not see our way out of this mess. That the reason I was so upset for the last two days was because I cared so deeply for him that the thought of me hurting him, made me sick to my stomach. He had been there for me and how could I cause him to be unhappy. I told him he means the world to me and I never want to cause him one second of pain or sadness. As usual he was trying to calm me, reassure me and was his usual kind, thoughtful self. Hearing the soft tone in his voice made me, and I'm so embarrassed by this, lose it. He is so good in situations like this, he said since neither of us are dating, why don't we just take it one day at a time. Since it is more than likely one of us will meet someone, we can just be honest and let the other know if that happens. He said of course he would be upset for a while but if I am happy he is happy. I feel the same way also, if I can't be with him, then I hope he could find someone to make him happy in a real relationship, but it will sting like a bitch.

I am back in a good place again, drama over I hope, I don't want to dwell and feel like I have ended up in a gay soap-opera. I can move on now to what ever is waiting for me. I have been as honest with myself as I can and as honest with John as I think I can and that is important to me. Honesty is the main thread with this friendship and hopefully will keep it strong for now. Strange though that the person that screwed my head back on straight (no pun intended) is the one person that I truly want, but the one I can't have. So yeah I don't want to be in a gay soap-opera but just like Ernie and Bert, Waldorf and Statler, I would not mind being in a gay Muppet show with a certain someone. Love you John.