Faith

Faith, I saw her at the bus stop the other day, happy as always to see me. Hand shooting up quickly to do that small little wave she always does whenever she sees me, that warm smile of hers brings a person in like a hug. So pretty, an island beauty, I can picture you from where you came, on a beach with a flower in your long black hair, sundress blowing in an ocean breeze. Her soft voice makes everything she says seem like a poem when she speaks and I feel comfortable around her. What would it be like if I were married to you, I often think of that. I am sure as well you must have wondered why, living so close to you, I never asked you out. There were even, I think some hints dropped but you being so decent would never push it. What would it be like to have you as my wife, my parents as hard as they can be about judging a person's character, would absolutely love you. You would fit into my family well, we could go to church together and the people would want to meet the woman that finally had shy Steve's heart. They would give me the knowing smiles and even some winks from the older men. So glad he is finally settled they would say and so happy that he met such a really nice girl. What would our children be like, you similar in culture and looks to one of my friends and me similar to her husband, would we have the same cute kids. My parents now given the new proud title of Grandma and Grandpa, holidays would be breathed back to life with little bodies running around, giggling, laughing. How exciting for us, first step, first words, first day at school and I would have completed my journey to becoming a man. We could talk about who they would become and watch over the years as they turned into adults and we got to know the people our kids grew into. So proud to have you by my side, to go through life and say to my friends and coworkers, this is my wife and when they would meet you they would see the beautiful person you are inside as well as out.

I can't marry you however Faith, because I don't love you, not the way you deserve. You see Faith I'm gay and you could never be more than a really good friend to me. I know I'm gay and it could not work because in all the times I imagined us together, I never think what it would be like to kiss you, hold you, touch you. I don't have thoughts about us being alone together, I never wonder if it would be warm to have you lying next to me, I don't notice if you wear perfume. In my daydreams you are the perfect accessory to my "normal" life, however not my partner in life. I have no desire to be with you intimately. As far as our wedding, to me I see how happy our friends and family would be, it could be a story book day, however I never think about the wedding night, it would be awkward, I would feel the need to trick you, maybe it would be one step better than masturbation and at worse have the same appeal as when we had to get the blood tests and to me your worth much more than that. I had to let that life go Faith, it belonged to someone else. The wedding, children, those are yours to keep but for me, I have to take another path. I heard you are dating a nice guy, I hope he understands what an island flower he has. I hope he makes your dreams come true and I also hope I find a guy who will do that for me as well.