I am trying to do more regarding being gay than just the blog world and telling straight friends. Blog land has been great, I met a lot of people who have really helped me feel comfortable about myself, this gave me that push to start to come out to my friends. I know it is not enough, it is like living in a gay storybook sometimes, I read about gay life, become interested in the characters but in the end I am still alone. I have met some really great people through my blog, for those of you that have wanted to chat, my apologies for not accepting your offer, please don't take it personally but for some reason I hate chatting. I find it cumbersome, I feel I can't get my thoughts out properly or fast enough, I feel a slight disconnect and I am uncomfortable without my spell-check. Really I'm also too lazy to enjoy all that typing. The only thing I use is Google talk, so easy, down load it in a split second put on your headset and your ready! If you have Gmail and a headset you are good to go. Also I feel if I spend a lot of time on the computer with cyber friends, that discourages me from meeting real world friends.
I need to have gay people around me, just to have that brotherhood feeling, someone who would understand if I said during a movie "Matt Damon is cute" and they would node their head or disagree but both ideas would come from the same place as my statement came from. Last week I put my profile on a local site that serves the GLBT community (does that not sound like a hamburger, better hold the mayo). I made it clear I was looking for friends and not a hook-up. After a day I received a response from someone who was interested, we had a lot in common, he just wanted to meet as a friend as well. I was so excited, my hands were shaking I was thinking, finally I was going to meet another gay man, maybe have a gay friend. I emailed back and said I was interested in meeting and getting to know him. That was last weekend, he never replied back. I don't understand what gay men want, why contact me in the first place. Why do gay men walk around like lost souls, saying they are lonely, that the culture is shallow but when someone extends their hand in friendship, you get a cold shoulder. This is my second attempt, the first one no one responded but to be honest I later realized it was a place for mostly hook-ups. I am starting to get the feeling that in each city the only thoughtful good gay guys are the ones that start up a blog and that is why blog-land has so many sweet guys. I will give this more time, there must be a gay guy in this city that would like to have a loyal friend.
On the thought that karma will keep coming around on a person, I find myself in a funny situation. I actually don't believe in karma, I just use it as a saying. I do believe God puts people in situations for a reason, no matter how big or small. I will be going on a date to a Christmas party this Friday, it is however with a girl, she did not want to go alone so I am rescuing her. The strange thing is that at this party there will be close friends who I wanted to tell next, they will all be in the same room I can do it all in one shot! The even stranger thing is that there will be a gay couple attending also. It is the couple that I have mentioned before that I knew of, who make me feel very uncomfortable. Of all the gay men in this city to be stuck in a room with, it would have to be them. I guess this will be my test, all the high ideals I have been spouting here, lets see if I am as comfortable as I pretend to be on this blog. I have to be open minded about this, it has been almost ten years since my last exposure to them and I am sure they must have grown since then. I found them a bit over the top and dramatic before but I was also a major closet case. In fairness to them, they are a couple that have been together for almost sixteen years, and I am told this is like eighty three in straight years (actually I hate it when people say that). I also know of twice where they really came through for their friends with helping them get jobs while down on their luck. I hope I see them in a new light, maybe we will become good friends, this is crazy who knows and I give up on fighting this, I will take it that if life has placed me in this situation I will run with it, I mean like maybe get lush-ed up enough to come out to everyone at this party, the thought at the moment does not scare me, it makes me laugh. Probably that night I will be scared sh**less, I may have to wear diapers, depends.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
My Collection
My mother once remarked to me regarding some of my friends, that I had the strangest collection of eccentric and odd ball friends that she ever saw. Actually she is correct, I often say that I could never have a party with all my friends in one room. The thing is not only would they not get along, some may end up heatedly arguing each other. I was taken aback a little by Mom's statement, she asked me "why is that?" I never really thought of it before, however it was easy for me to come up with the answer. Some people just don't fit in with society, they drum to their own beat and in the rush of life most people will not take the time to get to know them. I tend to live by the motto, life is rough enough, so the more people you have on your side the better.
I like people who have a bit of character to them, hidden levels to their personality if you will. I like to be surprised by people, like the brick layer who reads sci-fi novels on his break, or a strict by the book boss who on weekends makes stained glass windows, and the tough construction worker buddy who visits art galleries and museums on his time off. I just find these people more interesting because they are not predictable. Honestly I have also learned you can trust a person who is willing to stand out from the crowd and say they don't have the same taste as everyone else, as opposed to a person who tries to conform to any and everything. I also found that they "get life" meaning it is not always about the faster car or bigger house.
It is also obvious as to why I learned not to judge someone for sticking out a little from the rest. I knew that it would be hypocritical for me not to empathize with people who did not fit in to society. Often they saw the same thing for gay people as well, before I started to come out, it was often my off-beat friends that supported gay marriage and understood we are like everyone else, just with a different sexuality.
What has me thinking this way is something I saw on TV last night. I don't watch a lot of TV but this year I have been following "The Amazing Race" for the first time ever. One of the couples really stands out as the odd ball couple. They are Goths, they look like people dressed up as black and pink vampires. Most people watching the show ridicule this team, based only on their looks I would assume because they are actually good competitors. The last two episodes had the teams in Africa, and the surrounding area was consumed by absolute poverty. As the teams came to the end of their challenges, most complained how hard they found them, about the other teams, one woman even had a fit that the first place team did not let them come in first this week, I am not sure what part of competition she does not understand. The thing that struck me was the Goth couple was very aware of the people around them. The woman sobbed because she became over whelmed by the conditions in which people had to live but mostly by the fact that even in this poverty everyone was still friendly, open and seemed happy. Interesting how the more "normal" couples were oblivious to the suffering going on around them while the "freaks" were the ones who expressed compassion and empathy. It makes me understand now why a young person would color their hair pink, dress like a vampire and say, I am not part of this society.
I like people who have a bit of character to them, hidden levels to their personality if you will. I like to be surprised by people, like the brick layer who reads sci-fi novels on his break, or a strict by the book boss who on weekends makes stained glass windows, and the tough construction worker buddy who visits art galleries and museums on his time off. I just find these people more interesting because they are not predictable. Honestly I have also learned you can trust a person who is willing to stand out from the crowd and say they don't have the same taste as everyone else, as opposed to a person who tries to conform to any and everything. I also found that they "get life" meaning it is not always about the faster car or bigger house.
It is also obvious as to why I learned not to judge someone for sticking out a little from the rest. I knew that it would be hypocritical for me not to empathize with people who did not fit in to society. Often they saw the same thing for gay people as well, before I started to come out, it was often my off-beat friends that supported gay marriage and understood we are like everyone else, just with a different sexuality.
What has me thinking this way is something I saw on TV last night. I don't watch a lot of TV but this year I have been following "The Amazing Race" for the first time ever. One of the couples really stands out as the odd ball couple. They are Goths, they look like people dressed up as black and pink vampires. Most people watching the show ridicule this team, based only on their looks I would assume because they are actually good competitors. The last two episodes had the teams in Africa, and the surrounding area was consumed by absolute poverty. As the teams came to the end of their challenges, most complained how hard they found them, about the other teams, one woman even had a fit that the first place team did not let them come in first this week, I am not sure what part of competition she does not understand. The thing that struck me was the Goth couple was very aware of the people around them. The woman sobbed because she became over whelmed by the conditions in which people had to live but mostly by the fact that even in this poverty everyone was still friendly, open and seemed happy. Interesting how the more "normal" couples were oblivious to the suffering going on around them while the "freaks" were the ones who expressed compassion and empathy. It makes me understand now why a young person would color their hair pink, dress like a vampire and say, I am not part of this society.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Six Degrees To Steven's Bacon Exposed
I live in a small city, I came from the country near an even smaller township. The problem with that is I have a huge family, our neighbors all had large families and when children and grandchildren get older, they move to this city for work. That makes me think of the game "six degrees to Kevin Bacon", you know the game where you try to figure how close actors are to knowing Kevin Bacon by who he has worked with. Only with me I think the game should be called two or three degrees to Steven because that is how close everyone seems to be to knowing my family. I have around forty first cousins, (Irish Catholics) yes I said forty! So you can imagine if you add in there, second and third cousins plus all the husbands and wives. I can even be in a strange city, partly lost and one of them will appear in front of me. Trust me it is a full time job to keep from being discovered.
This has come up again with a vengeance, it has to do with meeting my friend last week. Of course I did not tell him, the last time we saw each other was in our teens and at that time he was very homophobic, to be fair to him so was I, or at least pretended to be. He made it clear to me that he would like to resume our friendship. When I mentioned some of our other childhood friends he told me that he recently bumped into some of them as well. One guy he meets with every week and the other monthly. They have coffee, go to lunches and sometimes hang out. There is the comfort of familiarity and I could see quickly becoming friends again. However that will put me back into the position of having close friends who do not know that I am gay. Feeling tire of hiding and pretending was the reason I came out to my close friends. That has been dealt with and I no longer have to worry about slip ups with the exception of Elly. I am not looking forward to being put back into that situation.
There is the uneasiness that my friend has some ties to my home town but the real trouble is one of the other guys has almost the same large family ties back home. Even if they accept me there is always that chance for a slip-up and I'm not ready to deal with my parents, if ever. Any one from a small town knows how uneventful life is there, so every bit of news is spread quickly and in the haste to pass it around, it gets pulled and stretched a little. The last big event there that just happened is Fern's cow was found dead by the feeder (I'm not joking), she was fifteen however so a good life for a cow, now imagine if the hot wire got a hold of the news that Fern's, neighbor's son is gay! Talk about a gossip feeding frenzy, I would be OK but I would not want a wave of ignorance to come my parent's way. I will have to wait and see just how open minded they have become before saying a word. Maybe he even suspects, he asked if I was married and when I said no I am still single, he suddenly looked at me like if he just realized something. I quickly changed the topic and he jumped into the new subject right away, maybe to save me from the awkwardness. Usually with other people, I find this the beginning of a flood of questions and they will not let it go. When we were leaving he made the comment that he can't stand any kind of bigotry and won't put up with it. I kept wondering if he was trying to make me feel comfortable and let me know it was OK to tell him or was he just trying to come off as a cool guy.
The more I come out, the more complicated it seems to become. I almost feel there is a no win situation here, become friends only to be rejected, to be outed or do I decide not to take up his offer to start the friendship over. It kind of also is not fair to him, as he is smart enough to figure out that he would be getting the cold shoulder after extending his hand in friendship. He would realize it and not understand why.
This has come up again with a vengeance, it has to do with meeting my friend last week. Of course I did not tell him, the last time we saw each other was in our teens and at that time he was very homophobic, to be fair to him so was I, or at least pretended to be. He made it clear to me that he would like to resume our friendship. When I mentioned some of our other childhood friends he told me that he recently bumped into some of them as well. One guy he meets with every week and the other monthly. They have coffee, go to lunches and sometimes hang out. There is the comfort of familiarity and I could see quickly becoming friends again. However that will put me back into the position of having close friends who do not know that I am gay. Feeling tire of hiding and pretending was the reason I came out to my close friends. That has been dealt with and I no longer have to worry about slip ups with the exception of Elly. I am not looking forward to being put back into that situation.
There is the uneasiness that my friend has some ties to my home town but the real trouble is one of the other guys has almost the same large family ties back home. Even if they accept me there is always that chance for a slip-up and I'm not ready to deal with my parents, if ever. Any one from a small town knows how uneventful life is there, so every bit of news is spread quickly and in the haste to pass it around, it gets pulled and stretched a little. The last big event there that just happened is Fern's cow was found dead by the feeder (I'm not joking), she was fifteen however so a good life for a cow, now imagine if the hot wire got a hold of the news that Fern's, neighbor's son is gay! Talk about a gossip feeding frenzy, I would be OK but I would not want a wave of ignorance to come my parent's way. I will have to wait and see just how open minded they have become before saying a word. Maybe he even suspects, he asked if I was married and when I said no I am still single, he suddenly looked at me like if he just realized something. I quickly changed the topic and he jumped into the new subject right away, maybe to save me from the awkwardness. Usually with other people, I find this the beginning of a flood of questions and they will not let it go. When we were leaving he made the comment that he can't stand any kind of bigotry and won't put up with it. I kept wondering if he was trying to make me feel comfortable and let me know it was OK to tell him or was he just trying to come off as a cool guy.
The more I come out, the more complicated it seems to become. I almost feel there is a no win situation here, become friends only to be rejected, to be outed or do I decide not to take up his offer to start the friendship over. It kind of also is not fair to him, as he is smart enough to figure out that he would be getting the cold shoulder after extending his hand in friendship. He would realize it and not understand why.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Wounds Of Youth, Run Deepest
A few weeks ago I happened to stumble upon the email address of an old school friend of mine. We met in grade two when he moved to our area and came to my school, there he quickly became the leader of our pack, a good friend and remained so until he left the rest of us behind in grade ten. I missed him greatly although at that time in a teen boys life, you would never admit such a thing. For kids in the country, through the years children grew up together so school friends were almost like family, if one moved away it was a loss to the others. I contacted him and he was happy to hear from me, he moved close to where I live and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch, I was excited to meet him again. After he had left when we were young, we had spoken sporadically on the phone and actually met up a few times but we lost contact and the years quickly added up, slipped by and now it would be almost twenty years. I was wondering what he would be like, after all this time he would be a stranger. It suddenly dawned on me that he like myself, is a man I would be meeting him as an adult for the first time in my life.
At the restaurant I felt nervous, I needed a bud with me, a Budweiser that is, to help calm the awkward feeling I had. Remember this is out of character for me to contact someone out of the blue, however this last year has me doing a lot of things that make me uncomfortable and part of me enjoys it. He showed up, I was able to recognize him immediately there was still a phantom of the boy that I once knew. As he approached I saw how time betrayed his handsome good looks, deep lines told of his love for the outdoors and gray was starting to invade his blond hair, still he could hold his own. We shook hands and in seconds I could tell that the good hearted guy that I knew was still in there. Conversation was easy and soon flowed like time had never come between us. We did the usual, past jobs, are you married, any kids etc. He is married but does not want children and did not press me when I said I was still single. Lunch flew by and he said he had to leave, we went out to the parking lot and as we began to say good bye and move to our cars, things suddenly opened up.
He brought up the names of older boys that were bullies who tormented me, the kind that made me not want to go to school, hate myself, feel humiliated. What shocked me was the stories he told me of how they also tormented him as well, that there were also days he did not want to go to school. I never saw it from that perspective, I always thought he was cool and things like that did not bother him. Thinking on it, maybe even worse for him. With me I just took the beating to get it over with, as for him, even though he was younger than them, he showed resistance which would anger a bully more, the sad thing was they out numbered us, most of our class was girls. I thought how odd, here we are grown men, wounded still by things that happened when we were kids and young teens. We needed closure even after all this time, we spoke of the humiliation they forced on us, the violent things they did to us and the years we both spent thinking of equally violent revenge on them.
He then told me something that made me feel good inside and wiped away most of the bad memories. One day years ago, he heard a man shout to him, as he turned he could see a guy running up to him. He could see that it was Nick, one of the main tormentors for both him and I. Not sure as what to expect he was ready for anything. As he approached my friend, Nick gave a friendly greeting as if happy to see my friend. He went on to say that he was really glad to see my friend because he wanted to apologize for the way he treated him, he said he felt really bad about the way he was so mean during school and often thought and regretted it for years. He told my friend he did not deserve to be tormented like that and Nick was not sure why he acted that way but was embarrassed by it now. My friend told me that as Nick was saying this, it was like a plug was pulled out and all the hatred and resentment towards Nick flowed out, closure.
I left thinking this over, I love hearing personal growth stories, especially about people who you think will never grow. It also left me with the thought that while growing up, making our way through our teen years, we were hurting so much, feeling so alone, awkward and acting so tough, that we never noticed the hurt in each other.
At the restaurant I felt nervous, I needed a bud with me, a Budweiser that is, to help calm the awkward feeling I had. Remember this is out of character for me to contact someone out of the blue, however this last year has me doing a lot of things that make me uncomfortable and part of me enjoys it. He showed up, I was able to recognize him immediately there was still a phantom of the boy that I once knew. As he approached I saw how time betrayed his handsome good looks, deep lines told of his love for the outdoors and gray was starting to invade his blond hair, still he could hold his own. We shook hands and in seconds I could tell that the good hearted guy that I knew was still in there. Conversation was easy and soon flowed like time had never come between us. We did the usual, past jobs, are you married, any kids etc. He is married but does not want children and did not press me when I said I was still single. Lunch flew by and he said he had to leave, we went out to the parking lot and as we began to say good bye and move to our cars, things suddenly opened up.
He brought up the names of older boys that were bullies who tormented me, the kind that made me not want to go to school, hate myself, feel humiliated. What shocked me was the stories he told me of how they also tormented him as well, that there were also days he did not want to go to school. I never saw it from that perspective, I always thought he was cool and things like that did not bother him. Thinking on it, maybe even worse for him. With me I just took the beating to get it over with, as for him, even though he was younger than them, he showed resistance which would anger a bully more, the sad thing was they out numbered us, most of our class was girls. I thought how odd, here we are grown men, wounded still by things that happened when we were kids and young teens. We needed closure even after all this time, we spoke of the humiliation they forced on us, the violent things they did to us and the years we both spent thinking of equally violent revenge on them.
He then told me something that made me feel good inside and wiped away most of the bad memories. One day years ago, he heard a man shout to him, as he turned he could see a guy running up to him. He could see that it was Nick, one of the main tormentors for both him and I. Not sure as what to expect he was ready for anything. As he approached my friend, Nick gave a friendly greeting as if happy to see my friend. He went on to say that he was really glad to see my friend because he wanted to apologize for the way he treated him, he said he felt really bad about the way he was so mean during school and often thought and regretted it for years. He told my friend he did not deserve to be tormented like that and Nick was not sure why he acted that way but was embarrassed by it now. My friend told me that as Nick was saying this, it was like a plug was pulled out and all the hatred and resentment towards Nick flowed out, closure.
I left thinking this over, I love hearing personal growth stories, especially about people who you think will never grow. It also left me with the thought that while growing up, making our way through our teen years, we were hurting so much, feeling so alone, awkward and acting so tough, that we never noticed the hurt in each other.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Note To Self
Note to self, I'm angry with you! Sometimes when reading articles or other blogs I run across the term self forgiveness, or even self apology. When thinking on these terms, especially regarding being gay and coming out, I feel I owe myself a huge apology, the strange thing is at the moment I can't accept the apology. I have a lot of anger inside regarding how I have acted in the last ten years. I can forgive the younger years, times were harder for gay people then, I was a scared confused gay kid, however I managed to start a relationship during those times so why shut down later. Part of me wants to ask myself, why the anger and that is when the gates open.
I want to yell at myself, I want to ask, when did I feel it was alright to step out of life. When did I get complacent about finding a relationship. Why did I choose to hide. I want to tell myself I should be ashamed for taking the easy road, avoiding conflict at all cost but the cost turned out to be high. Ashamed also for taking the easy road out of shear laziness of not wanting to put the effort into being gay and some of the conflicts that would come with it. Why did I worry what everyone else wanted, instead of what I needed for myself to have a fulfilled life. Why did I lie about my life to please others, to pretend to be part of their world. That is the truth of it, their world, not mine. I was to co-exist with them but in my own social world.
I used to tell myself that I would date a guy if he asked me out, but if I never put myself out there, if I never made the effort, how was anyone suppose to find me. It was not up to someone else to come and rescue me, it was up to me to go out and look for him. I need to say sorry for letting myself go, part of my excuse to not attract men, for never going out and only moving through the straight world, even still! For giving up even before trying.
How could I have been so stupid to let my youth pass me by, to miss the opportunities and experiences that life has to offer only a young person. To place myself in a position where most of the good men that want to settle down are already taken, leaving me to choose from men that have become jaded over time from being exposed to the gay culture too much. Men also that want a relationship but don't want to work towards one, it is now all their way or no way. Why did I not come out to the people who I knew would accept me. Why did I not come out to people who revealed their secret to me. I don't like that answer but I know what the truth is. There is a dark side to my personality, that is I like having power over people. Telling people I'm gay gives my power away and maybe even gives them a weapon. Knowing someone else's secret, makes me feel trusted but also gives power to me. In being too tight with the control over my life, I let it slip away. Note to self, of all the people who should have been looking out for me, you betrayed me the most!
I want to yell at myself, I want to ask, when did I feel it was alright to step out of life. When did I get complacent about finding a relationship. Why did I choose to hide. I want to tell myself I should be ashamed for taking the easy road, avoiding conflict at all cost but the cost turned out to be high. Ashamed also for taking the easy road out of shear laziness of not wanting to put the effort into being gay and some of the conflicts that would come with it. Why did I worry what everyone else wanted, instead of what I needed for myself to have a fulfilled life. Why did I lie about my life to please others, to pretend to be part of their world. That is the truth of it, their world, not mine. I was to co-exist with them but in my own social world.
I used to tell myself that I would date a guy if he asked me out, but if I never put myself out there, if I never made the effort, how was anyone suppose to find me. It was not up to someone else to come and rescue me, it was up to me to go out and look for him. I need to say sorry for letting myself go, part of my excuse to not attract men, for never going out and only moving through the straight world, even still! For giving up even before trying.
How could I have been so stupid to let my youth pass me by, to miss the opportunities and experiences that life has to offer only a young person. To place myself in a position where most of the good men that want to settle down are already taken, leaving me to choose from men that have become jaded over time from being exposed to the gay culture too much. Men also that want a relationship but don't want to work towards one, it is now all their way or no way. Why did I not come out to the people who I knew would accept me. Why did I not come out to people who revealed their secret to me. I don't like that answer but I know what the truth is. There is a dark side to my personality, that is I like having power over people. Telling people I'm gay gives my power away and maybe even gives them a weapon. Knowing someone else's secret, makes me feel trusted but also gives power to me. In being too tight with the control over my life, I let it slip away. Note to self, of all the people who should have been looking out for me, you betrayed me the most!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Out on a ledge
If you were to ask my friends to describe me, they would tell you I am a very low key person. Actually quite shy with new people, which makes it hard for me to meet with people for the first time. Even some of you that I email back and forth with, if faced with actually meeting you, I would be in a little bit of panic mode. The spotlight is a place that holds no appeal, there lies the problem with coming out. I often wonder how far out will be out enough. How do I handle life as a gay person, who do I tell and who do I not tell. Part of me only wants my close friends to know, being a very private person, I feel only they have earned my trust and in doing so they have a right to know the true me. My close friends are the ones that may try to fix me up so to avoid any embarrassing situations I want them to know.
On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!
I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.
To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.
On the other side of the coin, I have grown tired of the game, the one where people ask me twenty questions and I try to make up as many answers without lying by using half truths or withholding personal information that would raise more questions. Why are you not married? Do you have a girl friend? Any kids? Why not? When was the last time you were on a date? What was the name of your Last girl friend? What type of woman is your type? Don't you want a family? Do you want to be old and alone? Do you know the older you get the harder it is to find someone? Want to meet my cousin? My friend cries all the time but is really nice, want to meet her? My cousin has a huge weight problem and a bad temper, at your age you can't be too picky Steven, want to meet her? Do you like being alone? Some days I just want to wear a shirt that says in big bright letters "I suck c***, now f*** off!" Well actually I don't but here is to hoping! So bad, sorry!
I am not sure how to go about it, should I say nothing but when someone asks about a wife and kids do I just drop it that I'm gay. What about work, part of me would not want my work place to know my personal business but then part of me thinks once I am in a new place, wait until I am firmly established and then let people know. For now while single I don't think it is a big deal but once in a relationship with a boyfriend, I would have the feeling of not being true to him if I were to hide our relationship. I always say also, don't want to end up being in a bad seventies sitcom where I am running around trying to hide things that make us look gay if someone calls and says they are coming over. I think of taking the stance of keeping it to myself, however if someone starts to push for information then they better be prepared for my answer. Sometimes maybe I over think situations, I am reminded of a woman who use to visit my past work place from a different site. She was lesbian, in a relationship and not a bit reserved in talking about it. She did not hold it out there like a red flag, just casually mentioned her girlfriend from time to time in conversations, exactly like a straight person would mention their wife. The people who were most bigoted towards gays and lesbians never said one word to her. Like most cowards they would back down from someone who would confront them. Preferring to wait until she was out of the room to begin slinging the arrows. It was easier for them when in a group and out of her ear shot. Sometimes I feel weak for not saying anything and other times I feel I did the right thing and need to pick my battles.
To the gay men or women out there living in a relationship or people who are out, I wonder to what level do you take being out. Is it good enough to just let friends know. Do you sort of just let new friends and neighbors figure it out for themselves. What is the balance between being true to yourself and being cautious. Like I always say, it is important for me to live as Steven and as a side note, I just happen to be gay. Maybe I can't do that, maybe I can't separate the two, Steven and gay Steven. Sometimes I wonder if saying I want my being gay as only a side note to who I am, is really another way of me still saying I can't accept being gay. Maybe trying to not draw attention to my homosexuality is just another way of hiding it. So confusing coming out is sometimes or actually most times, I want to be out but I don't want to find that I have put myself out on a ledge.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Not This Again!
I'm sitting on my couch, you are the only one in the room that does not know, I love our friendship, you are like my little sister. I want to tell you, I want to say "Elly I'm gay" in fact I planed to tell you tonight but as I start the sentences that will lead me there, my heart begins to race out of control, I think it will break my ribs, I think I'm going to vomit. Why this again?
My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.
While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.
My closest friends and I decided to go out tonight, drink a little, have a really good meal and after since the restaurant is so close to me, come back to my place after, chat and have desert. The restaurant was loud, really loud so I was looking forward to having them come back here. I wanted to tell Elly tonight, she is one of the very few close friends that does not know yet. I was resolved to do it when she asked me "so Steve find the right woman yet?" Everyone looked at their plates and snickered, including me. This made her suspect something was up but could not guess what we were hiding. Since I almost never drink I was feeling brave from my beer. I thought however I would wait until we got back here, this way I would not have to yell out that I'm gay for the whole restaurant to hear.
While sitting together I began to tell her many times, I was not listening to the people around me and was only half in the conversations. My friends knew I wanted to tell her, they would give me openings and were supportive towards me but I just could not do it. Finally she said that she had to leave, I was frustrated with myself, I was thinking of blurting it out at the door but then I thought it would not give me time to explain myself to her and also the importance of keeping it quiet for now. That is my only fear with telling her, she is bad at keeping secrets and there are people that we both know who I dislike, I would not want them to have that personal bit of information. She said her goodbyes and left, I didn't tell her. I felt like crap after. I had thought I was getting braver with this, I don't know if it is because I have not told anyone for a while that I am gay or if it is the potential loss of control over who knows. I feel like I took a step back tonight, back into the closet, there was that awful feeling of trying to come out to someone, it was bad right in the pit of my stomach like when I first started to try and tell people. I wonder, will it always be like this.
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