When the dance ends.

Nearly fifty years ago, a handsome young farmer with a sheepish smile and wavy hair asked a shy young woman to dance. They later fell in love, married and kept on dancing through life together. Last week however that dance came to an end, my Dad passed away. I never got the chance to say what I was building myself up to say, I was in town when I wrote the last post and when I returned home, he had just passed away two hours before I got there. I struggled with this for days, I had been with him since March and the minute I left, he passed. The first week I kept waking up in the night with the weight of knowing I will never see him again, plus the things I wanted to say to him that I never did or could not. I would be overcome with a feeling of being smothered or as if drowning. I spoke to my mother about it and since telling her, the feeling has not returned.

My Dad was very much a people person, he was not loud or did not seek attention, yet he had no problem with meeting people any place he would go. I envied that ability, I am the opposite, I find it hard to meet someone or even to talk to people that I do not know very well. The result was a beautiful service, people had to stand outside of the church since there was such a crowd and Dave said that was a tribute to the person he was. I felt I needed to give the eulogy, my family thought someone else should do it, they only know me as this shy quiet person and were afraid I would get up and cry or worse, pass out. I knew I could write one, I felt that other people did not know Dad as we knew him, I think having the blog to express my feelings gave me the courage and confidence to do it. Since I was not there as my mother and sister were to comfort him in his last hour, this was the best way to say good bye to him. It went well, some of the people who are really close to us, said it gave them chills with how it stirred images of my father in their minds, those kind comments have helped me over these last few days.

She cries at night, my mother that is and it breaks my heart whenever I hear her. Mom was raised that emotions are a private matter and must not be shared or shown, she holds strong for us during the day and in fact mom never cries. I never saw my mother really cry other than a few tears in her eyes until now, however at night I hear her soft sobs over the loss of Dad, her partner in life who has left her alone.

We will get through this, other people had to, it takes time I know. It feels like everything is just sitting there waiting for him, his tools, his old truck and his farm but he is not coming back, the dance has ended. Love you Dad, miss you....forever.

Saying Goodbye.

How do you say goodbye when you know it will be forever, do you just pretend like nothing is happening or do you take the time to sit down and say "I love you, thank you for everything Dad". Do you say goodbye when the word takes on a new meaning, a truth that can crush you if you think about the loss for a split second.

You made it to fathers day Dad, we had hoped so hard for that, we wanted to tell you how special a Dad you were to us and needed the excuse, however you became so ill that weekend and then we could not go within five feet of you holding one of those cards, it was too final for us, we were not ready to say goodbye yet and so they sit on our dressers, they will never be opened, it is just too raw for us now.

I have to let you go now Dad, there is nothing more I can do. I can't save you anymore, just one more sip of water, just one more spoon full of soup, it does not help now, I have lost. There are no special moments, no smiles or jokes at the darkest times, only sadness and suffering. I feel sick inside all the time as I watch you slip away. How do you say goodbye when 'goodbye' will be from that sad day forward, 'I love you' will mean my whole life crammed into that one little word and thank you for 'everything' will be everything from the day I was born onward.

Annoyed gay guy

The other day I over heard a man I know making a comment towards gays, it was along the lines of "what can you expect from him, he's a queer". There is nothing to snap a person back to the battle grounds with a comment like that. Sometimes we have to hold our tongues to keep the peace for others. I was thinking, what does being gay have to do with a person's character, you are either a good person or you are not, does not matter what your sexuality is. I hate when the person thinks they are on some moral high ground. Thinking that they could never have a gay child, "I'd never raise my child gay, I raised them properly". I felt like pointing out that two of his kids got divorced and that is suppose to be a 'no no' according to most religions. In fact one of his kids ended two marriages and the other is suppose to have had an affair. People are people, I know gay and lesbian couples who have been together for years. I guess he must have been a bad parent if we want to pass judgement.

I don't mean to target people who got divorced or split, that is not my business, if it is not working then the choice is only between the two people. What annoys me is if a person is a bad apple, it is because they are just a bad apple, not because they are gay. I get so tired when I am painted with the same brush of every gay person that they meet. Even worse is the people who always look for the bad in the people they want to hate, the type of person that could know ten really good gay people and then meet up with one bad one who screws them over, then the comment is made "see what did I tell you, can't trust any of them".

Not much we can do about it really, there are always those people who work at believing in something that has been shown to be wrong to them, just some days I have had my fill.

Gifts of moments

Last night I had a sudden thought and it gave me great sadness. I was saying to Dave how I was going to pick up a Fathers day card today and suddenly the thought occurred that this will be the last time I ever buy a card for Dad. I will have to say that a month ago my Dad was so weak that we honestly did not think he would even make it to fathers day, so I have to take that gift for what it is. We have learned that now, we take every small moment, every funny moment and hold them close in our hearts, every good moment is a gift now and they are what keeps us going.

About the gay thing.

I just have not had time to be gay, I have not had time to be Steven, there are many days were I don't even stop to eat. My days are filled with other more demanding things and sometimes I just fall into bed at night really exhausted. I do get to talk to Dave once or twice a week and he is very understanding having lost his mother less than two years ago.

I think the "gay" part of me wanted some attention as it came out in the craziest of dreams last week. In taking a break from hospitals etc, I thought this is the only place where people could laugh at this dream or at least understand it.

In my dream I was at my parents house, I was getting ready to go to the hospital as everyone else was already there. I ran down the basement stairs to get my boots and there sitting on the steps, completely naked was Tom Cruise. In the dream not only was he naked (the younger hotter version of Tom) but he was also..... how should I say this... he was stroking his top gun and was excited to show me the money (shot). I looked at him in shock, he turned to me and said "sorry but I didn't think you would mind, you know what it is like having to hide being gay and everywhere else I go you know the paparazzi will be waiting for me. I figured it would be more private here". He wanted me to watch as that was part of the excitement for him and so I did, well you probably would have too!

I woke up and thought "where the heck did that come from?" I guess it has something to do with putting my other life on the back burner. The funny thing is that I'm not really a Tom fan, I mean I will watch a movie that he is in but I never really think about him, there are many actors I would like to have found in my basement. Still let me just say that Tom was in very nice shape and built as well. ;)

Silly post I know but I just needed to think of something other than hospitals, cancer and stress. I have learned to give myself a day or two of happy thoughts so that I can go back and take on the day to day challenges that my family is going through.

"Dad"

It is hard to accept that one day very soon, no one will answer to "Dad" when I say it out loud. All test came back and the news was really bad. They said there is nothing they can do for my father except try to keep him from suffering. He came home last Thursday and I hope he will be able to stay there until the end. My Dad was a very strong independent type person, my biggest fear is for him to end his days in a hospital with tubes stuck in him. I stay strong around my parents but I don't do so well when I have a minute to myself. It is cutting to think he will no longer be around soon. It is also hard to see he is frightened of what is coming and there is not a thing any of us can do about it. I always felt the people who suddenly lost a loved one, were much better off than they thought, as hard as it would have been to have lost Dad suddenly, this is much harder.

Again, so many of you have sent emails and left kind comments, I deeply thank you as it does help. I'm sorry for not getting back to each of you personally but I usually just check emails while checking on my place. My parents do not have internet access at their place, actually they still are on the party line system, most of you probably don't understand what that is.

Steven

It is bad news.

First I want to thank you all for the kind comments and emails. I'm am just checking in on my place to pick up mail etc. I thought it only right to let you know that the news was not good regarding my Dad. He has cancer. He is not doing well and has to stay in the hospital since he can no longer eat or drink. That is about all I can tell you so far, I wish it was better news but for those who have gone through something like this, you all know life is not always a movie with a happy ending.