Violent Suggestions

Violent suggestions, hey that sounds like a cool name for a rock band, in my dream world I would be the lead singer... but I can't sing so back to this world. Normally I am a passive person, quiet and kind but I have to admit it, I hate hate hate pigeons, well not all pigeons, just the ones that insist on coming to my balcony and crapping everywhere! I mean really, how can a one pound bird expel about six pounds of gooey, greenish-gray, yogurt like plops all over the place in a matter of minutes. I can't tell you how many times I went out on the balcony and suddenly realized that I wasn't wearing any shoes. This battle has been going on for almost five years now and I am becoming war weary, not only is there the goo factor, there is the mating call of the male at four in the morning. The male flies to a balcony and begins his aaarooah aaarooah aaarooah to call a female to come and make a nest. The trouble is a male bird will come to almost every balcony in the morning here, there are 72 balconies on my side of the building alone, the noise can drive a person mad in spring at times. I tried at first to be the nature friendly guy, getting 'along' with the so called wild life that make their homes in the city. I was told to put up those plastic grocery bags, the idea people assured me, was that the bags would blow in the wind and frighten away the birds. I cleaned my balcony spotless for the hundredth time and put up the bags in places that would give me the best shock and awe factor I could get from them. When I came home that evening, I went to my door expecting to see a nice clean balcony. Imagine my disbelief in seeing two pigeons building a nest right under one of the bags!

The battle escalates in spring because having a bit of a green thumb, I like to grow a lot of plants out on the balcony, however this becomes attractive to pigeon parents who want to make baby crap factories like themselves. Nothing turns my pale skin red like when I look out and see pigeons tramping and digging out seedlings that I have cared for all winter. I increased my efforts to keep them away, I put up flags to scare them, I placed tanglefoot along the railings and that stuff is so sticky it does not lose it's affect for years. I even tried to spray bleach as the smell I heard keeps them away (don't get the spray on your good shorts... yes I did ) but nothing works. I have reduced the number who target me but still it only takes one or two.

Now no more mister nice guy, I want to get mean, I spend my days thinking of nasty things to do to them, what do you think of my ideas. First the 'Pigeon Sucker Upper' a vacuum cleaner attached to a woodchipper, do I need to explain. Second the 'Bye-Bye Nest Box' it would be a false nest box but built on top of a paper shredder. Third, since they like to land on chairs and poop, I am thinking some sort of a cross between a folding lawn chair and a giant rat trap. For those that like exotic pets how about the 'Python House' it would be a nice inviting house for the pigeon to go in out of the rain only with a python already inside, you could also order the 'Baby Gator' model if you find that more interesting. To show I am not totally cruel to animals, how about the "Feed The Homeless Cats' program, oh come on you would be helping a hungry kitty. I am open to suggestions.

No pigeons were harmed in the making of this blog, however it was thought about with a sinister laugh.