Somewhere there's a window.

 I was feeling positive Monday morning after the fun I had last Sunday afternoon. I was still looking for guidance and so decided I needed to consult with the Mother Superior of our local convent. I confessed to her about being gay, she giggled and said, "oh sweetie, little country boys sing their daddy's country songs, not ABBA tunes, I already figured that out years ago". She reminded me that as a lady living in a building filled with man-hating women, she knew a thing or two about homosexuality. She then lifted her head and gazed out the window longingly towards the mountains. I told her about feeling lost and alone, she said to me, "when the lord closes a curling rink, somewhere he opens a bowling alley". I understood what she was telling me, my adventures must take me there. I thanked her and quickly left as she picked up her guitar and started singing "Climb Every Mountain", I then heard her mumble to herself  "aw screw that" and suddenly switched to "Stairway to Heaven", oh sister Margaret Mary Margaret, you always were a card!

 Yes I realized that evening would become a get together for "the gays". It was a perfect day, almost spring like, I decided to go. I'm really doing well with going to places where I don't know anyone. Honestly I think once you have gone to a nude Halloween party where you don't know anyone and stand there with your credentials out, you can pretty much go anywhere after that little adventure, it was a beneficial learning experience.

 I arrived a little early and my gaydar went off regarding two men sitting there waiting. I introduced myself and then explained that I have never gone bowling in my life, they reassured me it's all about fun and not to worry. By six o'clock there was a good group of men gathered. They were giving me pointers on how to play better. I found if I could stay relaxed, I could do well. Curling actually gave me some helpful knowledge. I did unfortunately get a lot of gutter balls, I have a tendency to put a spin on my balls and... wait can't you guys just hear Maddie giggling! Anyway I put a spin on the balls and they kept heading towards the gutter.

 I really enjoyed it, also the guys were a really friendly bunch, I'm so glad to have met them. They invited me to go with them after, I thought it was a bar but to my surprise it was to a coffee/pastries shop. That actually worked out well because I could talk with them. I find bars play music so loud that I can't hear what the people are saying and then I don't enjoy myself. These guys seemed down to earth and very ordinary, yay... my kind of people lol. Again I surprised myself with how I took part in the conversation, actually leading it at times. This is something I never saw myself doing years ago.

 A friend asked me how I could do that, just show up somewhere and not know a single person. The truth is at a social function like that, people are there to meet other people and like me they are just too shy to say hello. I've never had a negative reaction yet. My only regret is I should have done this years ago. It was getting late and everyone started saying goodbye. A bunch of us walked back to our cars and the night ended, I had a lot of fun.

 I'm not sure, I may take a break from blogging for a little while, we will see. If I'm suddenly not around, don't panic I'm okay just up to something. I have at least one more coming.

We're watching you.

 Lately we keep hearing stories about sites that track you and are constantly collecting data about you. They always apologize... for getting caught, they are never sorry for getting away with it. There are usually promises to never do it again (this month) and ringing of hands. They offer up some sort of goody, everyone forgets and back to normal.. in a sinister way. I am not on any social media sites other than blogger but many of my friends are. Some have small businesses and so these sites help them to network.

 Last week I happen to mention to a straight friend, about a guy who was cruelly bullied in high school, he was older than us. We were wondering what happened to him, we felt terrible for him. It was unbelievable the level some guys went, in order to humiliate this guy. My friend had actually forgotten about this guy.  We were texting each other about him. A few days later, this same guy contacts my friend through Facebook, he said he received a notice about a potential friend and so contacted my buddy.

 Coincidence? I don't think so, why after all these years would he get a suggestion about friending someone who had just been unknowingly to this man, talking about him. The guy that was bullied, as I said was older, he was never part of our group of friends. We don't have mutual friends, we never crossed paths since high school and yet... I mentioned his name a couple of times in a text and suddenly we are connected. Creepy, really freaking creepy.

Broken Saturday

 Saturday was an odd day, actually it started Friday evening. I couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed off inside me. I went to the funeral on Friday for the older woman who died earlier during the week. It really got to me and for many reasons. It's not because I was close to this person but she was always around, another matriarch of the community gone, another thread to our past broken.

 There was a guest speaker at the funeral who had lived around here but went on to have a career in television and radio, he spoke of this woman encouraging him as a young man, to follow his dreams. He also noted all the faces that he was expecting to see but are no longer with us. I always notice the absence of certain key people now as well. I ended up helping out at the funeral because there just isn't the people around to help anymore and I wanted this lady to have the send off that she deserves. I couldn't help think of when this woman's son who was killed with his family, they were our neighbors and good friends. Even me doing tasks that my father once did, I couldn't help think of him also. It was just very lonely for me that day.

 The other thing that really got to me was seeing her grandson with his boyfriend of many years. I found that also emotional for me with how accepting the entire family is of them. It's not that the family is accepting of him, there is no accepting "the gay son/cousin/brother" it's even bigger than that, it's that he's just a part of the family like any of the other grandsons but happens to have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. It was beautiful to me but I also felt incredibly lonely and hopeless.

 I realized that I am probably never going to experience that, a real relationship. The boys looked so good.. and so good together; however the only one who was probably noticing them was me. Again on Saturday I was having waves of hopelessness and a strong feeling of sadness. I want someone to support me like that at times when I just need a hug. I came to the conclusion that I will be alone from now on and I don't know what I can do to change that. Sure, the guys that I have been meeting with are nice guys but they are not really interested in making friends to hang out with, they certainly are not interested in finding a boyfriend. I'm not fitting in there anymore, it's not what I want, it's not what I need.

 My sister called me about something Saturday morning and when I went to tell her about my latest visit with mom, I cried. She went silent, I caught myself off guard and said I was fine. Later throughout the day I would cry at the drop of a hat, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness, it scared me to be honest. I went to email a friend, I said I think something broke inside me... but I didn't hit send. I went to bed.

 The next day I felt better, we had the potluck and the final game of curling. Being around other people all afternoon regarding something fun really helped to lift my spirits.

 I'm not sure what that was, it was emotional and unsettling. I'm okay now so don't be worried. I wanted to write about it on Saturday but just couldn't do it. On Sunday I was not going to mention it at all but then I thought I should write about it, maybe someone else will have the same experience and won't feel like they are the only one. Sometimes it's hard to realize that life doesn't turn out how you wanted it to and that the clock is ticking. Sometimes you also have to realize that you can't always change things... so have a potluck with friends, drink a little wine and forget about it.

Winter, releasing her grip?

 The last few days have been gorgeous here, sunny and +5 to +7 Celsius or around 42 Fahrenheit. This has been a good winter on average. It's nice to see the snow melting and hearing a few extra birds around. Today is a sure sign that spring is on its way, because better than groundhog day, today was Curling Potluck day! It's the final game of the winter, plus a season end celebration afterwards. When the curling season ends, spring is around the corner lol.

 I can't believe it's over for another year already. Even more unbelievable to me is that this is the end of my second year, time really does fly by. It's a really fun way to pass the winter months and not get cabin fever. Today we mixed up the players and the new team I was on got the highest points, so we were each given $20.

 Afterwards we had a trivia contest using our regular teams, we came in second. The question none of us knew was, "what do they call a stove in England"? The Canadian, American, Australian readers can try and guess the answer. Then finally they said "let's eat"! The food was so good, all types of salads, quiche, meat pie, meatballs, homemade beans, homemade sausage and on and on. Too many dishes to sample, I went back to try a few more but a man needs room for desserts. Those were also amazing and all homemade of course. To drink with it I had wine from a box... lol that sounds so funny to me but it actually wasn't that bad. I'm not really a wine drinker so maybe Dr Spo or William just fainted after reading the "wine in a box" sentence. ;D

 Everything was over by six and we all said our goodbyes for another year. I left my broom behind with the club brooms, that made me a little sad lol, we have been through so much together. I'm not sure where I will be next year so in case I'm no longer playing, someone will be able to get some use out of it. I gathered up my stuff and walked out the area door, it was six o'clock.. and it was still daylight, can't help feeling like... whew we're almost there!

After party plans.

 Last week another matriarch of the community I live in passed away. It will be odd not to see her out and about, at all the local events. A warm friendly woman with many many interesting stories that will now be lost with her passing. She was widowed at a young age with a business to run and a house full of kids. Now well into her nineties, she was still living at home, still driving her car and still sharp as ever. She died at home with family around her.

 I think that's the best any of us could hope for, to be smart, independent and active at that age. Life takes many sharp turns and we never know what will happen. As an example, I remember my dad and I talking to this woman's daughter when I was a teenager. I remarked to dad later how the daughter was the spitting image of her mother. On the way home, we bumped into the mother and my dad said an old local expression, "you will never be dead as long as your daughter lives". Meaning every time someone looks at the daughter, they will remember the mother. However a few years later, the daughter died of cancer while the mother went on to live another thirty plus years, life is strange like that.

 She lost a couple of her adult children and became the rock for her college aged grandchildren who still needed a little guidance. Even though she was from an older generation, she fiercely loved her gay grandchildren (yeah) equally to her straight grandchildren. She was a kind person, she used to drive around other widowed elderly women so that they wouldn't become isolated. Sad but not sad, she saw a lot of tragedy but at least she got to live her life on her terms until the end.

 Speaking of the end times, some of us were discussing plans for ourselves after we kick the bucket. Since I'm on a cemetery committee, I have become used to these topics. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible for my sister if I go first. When it comes to burial, coffin or cremation, I joke and say, "surprise me"! I guess cremation, that would be the easiest, I'm leaving it up to her, I don't care, she will be the one handling it. I definitely don't want a wake, that's gross.. people staring at my body, creepy. I don't think many people would come. I'm not religious so I say no funeral either. It's up to her, if she wants a little life celebration gathering that's fine. I'm also very offended by funeral homes preying on grieving families and soaking them with extras that cost more than they are worth. I want her to go cheap and save money. I would rather have my sister and her partner toast me on a beach somewhere tropical while enjoying themselves, than buy some tacky pictures or plastic flowers with that awful "Footprints" poem.

 What about you, have you thought about being buried in a coffin, cremated, something else or are you too frightened to think about it? Have you made any funeral plans known to a loved one so that somebody knows your wishes? Happy topic right? Seriously there is no use getting panicked over it, the topic is uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be, life is like a party, sometimes it's good, sometimes great and sometimes not that great, all parties good or bad come to an end however and we need to leave.

Grey hair. Grey hair? Grey hair!

 Grey hair, it's out there, it's everywhere, it's coming for all of us. I remember in my late thirties starting to find grey hair. I actually thought it was a little cool, I would think to myself, "I'm a mature man". At that age grey hair doesn't feel threatening and the hair was more like a white version of my red hair. I also found that sometimes when I pulled it out (boing) it came back in red. My only real worry was my ever growing bald patch on top. I joked with friends that I didn't worry about snow on the roof, I worried about shingles falling off!

 When I was twenty six and dating my first boyfriend of twenty seven, he was turning a salt and pepper colour of hair. I found it attractive to be honest. Being with someone like that made me feel used to the idea of being grey. My mother is only turning grey now at eighty one, when she started to find grey hair in her seventies, people asked her if she was going to colour her hair. She would always say, "no, because I earned all my grey hair"!

 In my forties I noticed my sideburns getting some silver and white mixed in but that seemed to be mostly it, as far as going grey was concerned. Still didn't bother me and I accepted it as me ageing. Sometimes one grey hair in the wrong place would become a target of my scissors but I mostly over looked them. Again it was the ever expanding solar panel on top that was annoying to me.

 Now however grey hair is a threat to me, it reminds me of my stage in life, it's going to change my appearance and I'm not ready for that. The first time I took note was when I decided to stop shaving two years ago. I sometimes will sport a beard in the late fall or middle of winter. By day three, there seemed to be a lot more blond colour in my beard than I remembered from past years. By day four, I realized it wasn't a blond colour that I was seeing in my beard, it was greying whiskers. I looked like I had been eating powered donuts and got the icing sugar all over my chin. I immediately shaved that sucker off, then crawled into bed in a fetal position while sucking my thumb. I now notice grey in my eyebrows and a man can only pluck so much. I have grey hair, no I mean.. I have GREY HAIR.. aaaaaaah! When I comb my hair, I'm starting to see a lot of grey hair.. and it's not that distinguished looking grey hair, it's old grizzly looking grey hair, like I could scrub pots and pans with it! There goes my plans for a modeling career, oh well. Finding a grey hair now is like seeing a pimple developing just before the high school dance! Aaaah! Lol, just another thing to learn to live with as I plunge rapidly down the hill. No wonder all you old bloggers are so grumpy all the time. :D

Like father, love son.

 Being the nerd that I am, I'm always watching nature shows, first on tv and now on line. I used to watch the crocodile Hunter with Steve Irwin, I enjoyed him but I also found him annoying at times, a bit too hyper active. I also felt he was to invasive of the animal's space, instead of just observing, he would run in and catch whatever it was. Sadly this habit of getting too close is what lead to his early death, time passes and he had been gone over thirteen years already.

 The other day I stumbled on some clips of his son Robert, almost the spitting image of his dad with the same enthusiasm for animals. The clips are actually three years old, Robert is a sweet thirteen year old boy here. My favorite part is Jimmy Fallon being terrified of the animals, lol... big baby! Hope you smile.