Year ten.

 Today marks ten years since my father's death. I had kept thinking that maybe I should do something like a family dinner or something along those lines. However I felt that would be pointless actually since mom wouldn't be able to attend and my sister probably wouldn't want to come. My sister was always very close to dad and has never been the same since he died.

 A neighbour dropped in to say he was thinking about me today and to wish me well on this sad anniversary. I felt that was really thoughtful, very typical for him and it picked up my spirits. He grew up on a neighboring farm so he has known dad all his life. I couldn't help thinking this morning that ten years ago dad was alive and as afternoon approached, that he wasn't. I don't know what the significance of ten years really means if anything, it's like a last milestone, once past this number... then counting years becomes silly I guess.

 I decided to go visit mom to see how she is doing. Thinking of dad in regards to mom, on Friday morning when I got the call that mom could have a heart attack, I remember having the feeling that I will never see her again. That memory came back from when dad died, an overwhelming drowning feeling that I will never see him again. As much of a strain mom's care can be and even though most of "mom" is gone, the thought that I would never see her again broke my heart.

 Mom is doing fine, I found her in the sitting room, snuggled under a blanket relaxing in a reclining chair. She just had snack time, she seemed quiet today, not very talkative, the nurse said everything has been normal since Friday and that mom was her usual self.

 One week, one month, one year, one decade, unbelievable to us. I didn't mark the occasion today, I didn't go to dad's gravesite, I rarely do because to me Dad is not there. He's not coming back and sometimes I feel the young people today have a better idea, instead of a sad funeral, they have a celebration of life for the person. That sounds better, I would rather think about the time he cooked a frozen pizza upside down on a cookie sheet, than pointlessly mourn for him. I remember my aunt, who had been widowed many years, saying to us at the time, "you never get over losing someone special, you only get used to it".

Steven Unplugged.

 Today I'm feeling very unplugged, it's a day for me to mope around. Yesterday as I was about to arrive for work, I received a call that mom's heart rate had fallen to dangerous levels. The nurse asked me what did I want to do, she said at that rate she could have a heart attack. We try not to have mom subjected to tests and procedures anymore, there is no point in major operations etc, we try to just keep her happy and comfortable. I wasn't ready to let her go, I couldn't say keep her comfortable and have her die because of my decision, that would be too heavy of a burden to carry for the rest of my life, so I told them to send her to emergency and I would meet them there.

 I was just dropping something off at my bank before work and feeling slightly shook up, there I am, standing in line after making a life and death decision and silently saying to myself, "don't cry in line, don't cry in line, don't cry in line"! That's nuts but so is life.

 I made it to the hospital, mom looked very weak; however all her vital signs soon returned to normal. I spent the day with her as they did every test possible. They have an idea of what it could be but she has to have another test to be sure. She is back at the home now resting, they can look after her better there.

 The decisions I often have to make regarding mom weigh heavily on my mind. I try to do my best and I also try to think of what she would want. It's torture to see her lying there, confused, anxious and wanting to leave. I have to keep tucking her in and assuring her that everything is going to be alright. I have become the parent now and mom is the frightened child.

 Today is also a sad day for me, ten years ago today I saw my dad alive for the last time. I told the story before about how I was taking care of him, my sister came home to give me a break so that I could go and have my car repaired in the city. The next day when I arrived home, he had died about two hours earlier, I didn't get to say goodbye. I will probably blog about it again tomorrow, it's crazy how it doesn't feel like ten years has passed. It feels like a blink of an eye... compared to when we are ten years old and then eons later we are twenty years old.

 I feel completely drained today, I have no energy, like someone pulled my plug out, "eeeeaarrr" energy powering down. I tried to work outside a little but a sudden storm came up and crashed around all afternoon, that sure didn't perk me up. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Where's my pride coffee mug?

 I was reading some posts regarding the LGBTQ community and how companies do or do not market to us. I know Lurker was one of them, ranting as usual in a way only he can do. There see... I mentioned you... happy now? :D

 Anyway I was thinking to myself, where are all the gay pride mugs, what about t-shirts, matching rainbow pillow cases at least? I know you can get them in every gay village, in every city but not on the shelves of mainstream stores. Many businesses and stores say they support the spirit of pride but that's a surprise because I don't see it. Think about St Patrick's day, the stores are filled with hats, t-shirts, mugs, buttons, cards or whatever you can name with a St Patrick's day theme to them, same with Valentine day, no store is worried about the tacky items they put up for sale on that day.

 The only one I saw this month was at my bank this morning, an ad was playing inside the bank and a message appeared saying my bank supports the LGBTQ community, then the bank logo popped up, only instead of the regular colours of the bank, it was the pride colours. That actually did make me feel more welcomed.

 I have been keeping an eye out and when I am buying groceries or other items at different types of stores, I look for anything to do with pride, so far nothing. In other words, we support our LGBTQ customers as long as they buy the same sh#t as straight people do. Back to the drawing board straight people!

Want to see my penises?

 Oh so sorry, that darn spell check, ruined another post, I meant peonies not the other things. It was warm yesterday and rained. I was so surprised when I came home from work because the peonies went from little round flower buds to full bloom in a few hours.

 

I can't remember if these originally came from my grandmother, I believe they did as she had similar ones, sadly there is no one to answer the question. Also I don't see them growing around my grandmother's house like they once used to, the new owners must have let them die out.

 We used to have another bush but in all the years it was here, it never once bloomed no matter what we did to encourage it to bloom. Two years ago I pulled it up to make room for other flowers.


 What? What the... Christmas??? Today is "half way to Christmas" day, it's amazing how time flies, although to be honest I find the winter went by slowly; however in that amount of time again, we will be right back in the holidays. I really need to start coming up with a better plan, I'm tired of sad and lonely Christmases with me just sitting around thinking of past good times.

Before I start singing jingle bells, let me bring you back to summer. My flowers are starting to fill in, makes me feel happy. Pretty pretty flowers, yup I'm gay!

 Ahhh summer, I'm so glad you are here again! Except for those mosquito things, a little less of those please.

And the march goes on... sadly.

  Have you ever been turned on by something because of a fantasy in your head, only to have that association removed because of a negative event. Example, maybe you have a fantasy of someone picking you up in a convertible, until one day you are harassed by some creepy guy in a convertible. One of my turn ons was construction workers, road workers etc, it plays into my attraction towards masculine men.

 My last boyfriend had a side business of renovations, my fwb worked construction in the off season. Once when I was at my fwb's place and we were horsing around, I got him to put on his yellow vest and hardhat, he couldn't find his tool belt or I would have made him wear that too... plus work boots! Sometimes when I was in a hardware store and I saw the work vests on sale, I was tempted to buy one, just for the role play/foreplay value, they automatically stirred something in me. That has changed now because of a new meaning assigned to that image.

 In France the yellow vest movement started in protest over economic reasons etc; however in Canada that movement was hijacked by something sinister. First it tried to pretend to be similar but when people looked closer, the yellow vests people were wearing could be replaced by the MAGA hats from the states. One man said they are worried about illegal immigrants and that they are not racist but they don't trust our immigration minister because he is a n-word from Somalia! O.O   Yup, no racism there. Workman fantasy ended.

 Today is the Pride parade in Toronto, one of the largest in north america or so I keep hearing. I should have planned to attend that, well that's another post. Unfortunately the police are on high alert, it seems that the nutty right has become emboldened by the tyrant of the south and unbelievable have been targeting gay pride events in Canada. Some people were assaulted and injured in Hamilton at a pride event there. The media has forgotten that the winter pride parade here in Ottawa had protesters, imagine the hatred that would bring you out in freezing cold weather to yell at gay people.

  It turns out the people behind it are members of the yellow bellied... I mean yellow vest movement with the help of religious leaders from the states and some from Canada. Whew...that makes me angry beyond words. Especially when I think of those hick talking inbred ignorant backwoods sounding dolts in cheap suits foaming at the mouth on tv. So so angry, I can't say anymore.

 How many times have we read articles wondering if pride parades were even still needed. Well it looks like we need them now more than ever. I hope the parade goes off without a hitch and everyone has a fabulous gay old time. As for those other people, I don't think they need a straight parade, I think they need a Hate parade, where they can get together and hate everyone who isn't a wasp.

 I will say it's sadly ironic that Toronto pride will not allow the supportive police officers to march in the parade, while running to them for protection at the same time. They shouldn't take their grievances out on the individual officers.

P.S please send cherries!

 Today is the first day of summer, although with the cold weather we are having, you would never know it! A drawback to this date, it's also unfortunately the beginning of the days getting shorter. At the moment it's 10:24 p.m. and there is still twilight in the north, it will be like that until after eleven. That's because in the northern part of Canada, it's sunshine 24/7, there is no night, only day. The flat earth people need to explain that one.

 This was a picture I took around ten o'clock on this date last year. I got home too late tonight.

 Today I also got excited over a positive aspect regarding this time of year, yes the American cherries have arrived, the real ones, no fake imitations, shipped unripe from some far off country. The real Yankee doodle cherries, yummy juicy deeelicious! I have mentioned in past posts how much I look forward to eating these!

 In fact you Americans can just send us all your cherries, think of it as a way to apologize for voting in... well you know, lol. Anyway ummm, errrr I heard they are bad for you, yeah that's it they are bad for you, so ummm, just send them north and we will take care of the problem :D.

Honey or Vinegar.

 Like the old saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Regarding my last post about a co-worker's bigotry towards gay and trans people, I tend to feel similar to old Lurker's view. The conversation between myself and Doug was private, there is no need for HR to be involved, that would be me censoring his thoughts and no matter how much I disagree with him, that is also very wrong. If however he knew I am gay and came at me like that to intimidate me, or harassed the transgender woman, then that's a completely different story, I would have no problem getting him fired.

 I don't see the point in becoming adversaries, he is not an evil person, just ignorant of the LGBTQ community. Like the movie Star Wars, I would like to try to slowly bring him over from the "dark side". He is for the most part actually a good man in every other way except this. I certainly wouldn't want to see him fired over this and what would that accomplish, it would only make him feel that he was right about us.

 Anyway all the previous comments were great, you people have my back, when I opened my page and saw all the thoughtful comments I appreciated it. I know some of you want me to clobber him but I haven't been truthful with him either and I would like to keep a friend out of this, not make an enemy, there is too much of that going around these days. He is also religious so that could be a stumbling block, if I can't get through to him, then at least I tried. I just certainly wouldn't start to break the ice with the fact that I think he's quite hot in shorts and a t-shirt.