Corky the raccoon.

 Yesterday was a doom and gloom day, not only did I go to a funeral but when I got home there were a bunch of messages regarding mom. Fortunately they got a hold of my sister and she went to deal with the nursing home issues. Again last night I didn't sleep, this is the complete opposite to when I first put her in. There were things that I didn't agree with at the first home but I never worried that they would mistreat or neglect her. Now that's my fear all the time.

 Today I went to look at a home they are going to eventually move her to when a spot becomes open. It's the light at the end of the tunnel that I needed. The home is fresh and clean looking plus smelling, there were no people running around yelling and screaming. The staff were friendly and helpful, there is a sitting room with comfy chairs to sit around in. I joked with a worker that I want to come and live there.

 Later in the afternoon I was invited to a delicious supper and met some new people with interesting stories to tell. Today turned out to be a good day, I really needed a good day.
In keeping with a good day I have a funny story that is unfolding during the night. Awhile back I noticed a case of beer in my basement, it was a twelve of Budweiser that I had bought for Christmas about five years ago. I realized that only a couple of bottles had been drank but they were too old now to drink so I put them outside in an old shed. My intention was to pour them out and recycle the bottles.

 Every second or third evening however; a raccoon enters the shed after dark. He lifts some of the bottles out of the case until he finds one that's still full. Then he starts biting at the cap until he can bend the edge up enough to get some beer out of the bottle. I named him Corky because Cappy just doesn't sound as good (lol). The winter was and is brutal, many animals wild and domestic are really struggling. I figure Corky is either hungry because of the harsh winter... or he has a drinking problem and comes at night so that the other raccoons won't gossip, either way I'm not judging him.

H... Hot Stuff!

 Apparently, I'm very attractive, I happened to overhear someone say that. Well... alright it did happen to be a woman and she does happen to be elderly, yes I think she may be missing a few marbles from her pack and yes it was highly inappropriate because she said it out loud at a funeral... but she clearly pointed towards me and said, "that guy is very handsome". Well at least someone thinks I am so I'm taking that compliment.

  At least it's much better than another poor elderly woman who said she threw stones at my house as she passed by and broke two windows, for the record she did not.

Mental 2X4, ouch.

 At lunch I was talking with a group of guys that I usually sit with. One of guys is new, I'll call him Mark, he started only a few months ago, a nice young guy, tall, dark haired, handsome very smart and easy going. Mark and his wife just had their first child. He will be turning thirty in a few months.

 We were talking about television shows and I was saying that since I don't have cable or satellite, I am completely out of the loop when it comes to tv shows. I only get two channels and one is a government station.... so... not much on.

 I mentioned many of my friends are always talking about shows like Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead and so some of the guys started explaining the shows to me. I found the idea of a weekly show that includes a cast of zombies really odd. Then I said that I shouldn't judge because I used to be a loyal fan of the show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", I went on to say it was the humor in the show that I loved. I noticed Mark giving me a puzzled look as if he had no clue as to what I was talking about. Then suddenly it dawned on him and he said, "oh that's the show that used to be on when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to watch it".

 That was a total mental 2X4 across the head, I was stunned for a second and didn't speak as my head did the math, this grown man with a house, career, wife and child, was a child himself when Buffy was on, how is that possible. He acts very mature and I forget how young he is, I forget how young I'm not. To me shows like Buffy were recent. I googled the show and  I was shocked to read, that the show first aired twenty two years ago, time where did you go. Funny but not funny.

Shampoo.

 With all the issues I've been dealing with, I forgot that I was running out of shampoo, this morning I had to wash my hair with soap! I can hear all my gay club members gasp with horror. I see that I only have one role of toilet paper left, better not make that mistake!

A Bird in the Hand.

 There's that old saying, "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". I vaguely understood the meaning behind it but never really gave it much thought. I find myself in that position relationship wise. There are a group of guys I talk with and have coffee with. Nice bunch of guys but nothing is really coming out of our friendship. Most are hard to read, most don't seem that interested in me. Some suddenly run hot then become cool with me. The answer is "NO", I am not sleeping with any of them, if they want the milk, they need to buy the cow... or bull?

 There is one guy however, I've mentioned him before, I never felt any attraction towards him ever. His looks, personality, benign masculinity have never pushed any of my buttons, I often felt bad about that but it is what it is. The thing is.. he cares about me, he answers all my emails and messages. He constantly wants to do things together, he recommends restaurants we could have supper at, he sends me lists of gay books and movies he has enjoyed. He is interested in what I am doing, he believes family is important, he believes looking out for family is important, he tells me all about things that are interesting to him, he is a very kind person. "Your sweet nature darling is too hard to"... ignore. I am really starting to like this person a lot.

 Then comes my dilemma, clearly this man is after me, I pretend to ignore it but I see what he is doing. I don't want to hurt anyone, I think he's awkward and nerdy but sweet. I can't help think however that I'm not getting any younger, let's face it there is no Prince Charming coming to get me. He would have been taken by now. The only half decent guys left that are trying to find a boyfriend, are late bloomers that also have a wife at home, I want my own husband and not someone else's. That leaves me to wonder, could this be my last chance at having some sort of relationship. Part of me thinks it's not fair to start a relationship with him if my heart isn't in it. Another part of me thinks why not give it a try and see what happens. I could try a friendship that includes cuddles and hugs, he also asked if our friendship could include sex. I told him I worry that could ruin our relationship, he said that we are adults and should be able to handle it. I worry he would get attached fast.

 He is seven years older than I am and lived in the closet all his life. I guess he sees time running out on him and wants to be his true self. I think he would be crushed if we started a relationship and I backed out. Sadly I think I might be his only shot at a relationship, most gay men would reject him. How stupid will I feel however if in five years I'm still alone, no one caring about where I am or what I'm doing when I could have had a "someone" with me. Is it stupid of me to think about the birds in the bush when one is trying to land on my shoulder and be at my side.

Contemplating life... again again.

 I was sitting in a chair thinking... thinking thinking thinking about the situation we are in with mom and about life in general. The phone rang and it was my aunt, she was wondering how things turned out with mom, I gave her the bad news. She then shared her bad news, a neighbour of ours passed away, a really sweet lady always friendly, always smiling, I'm good friends with her children, I'm going to miss her. Somehow she managed to turn 82 when I wasn't looking and left us suddenly.

 Apparently she sat down to eat breakfast and suddenly died, I think that's probably a good way to go considering what mom is going through. I sat back down to resume my thoughts on life. It's ironic that I just received that news because I was thinking about how I feel the world is flying apart on me. I also feel like the floor has collapsed beneath me and I'm just hanging on to the walls most times. Not only are my parents gone but my entire community of family and friends are mostly gone as well. It's the beginning of Steve's end times, life used to be so much better, everything seems to be falling apart around me.

 I heard an interesting Ted talk however, it said that life wasn't better when we were younger. We just think it was because the adults sheltered us from a lot of the hardships. The way people often do now as well. The person said that also when we are younger, we surround ourselves with young people so we don't actually see a lot of the problems people are experiencing. The person said that we only think we were happier back then.

 Maybe I wasn't happier, just unaware. It seems easier but there would be no benefit to going back to being ignorant. It made me think back to when I was finished high school and my parents were the age that I am now. My mom was worried about her mother because she became forgetful and they had to hire a house keeper to cook, do laundry and watch over her and grandpa. Later she was upset because of the treatment grandpa got when he had to stay in the hospital (full circle). Dad was worried about his mom but she was luckily still very independent and two of her daughters began to take turns and stay with her. The stress of the decisions were kept mostly away from us and I only realized it when dad died leaving mom behind.

 The difference now is that the community is much smaller, there is no one to lean on. I rightly or wrongly feel there is also some sick irony in the fact that my friends mother who was still smart as ever, is gone now, while my mom suffers through life in some dizzying bad dream that she must feel like she can't wake up from. One minute she is a young woman searching for her children, the next she is a girl waiting for her parents, never allowed to go home and always, always, always surrounded by strangers.

 My friends will come to me unfortunately for help with the arrangements of their mother and sadly I can't help them, I'm done.

Over a Cliff Again.

 I often say to people that there seems to be some disaster regarding mom every three or four months that totally blindsides us. Everything has been going well for her but I was feeling stress because the nursing home where she lives is closing. I was saddened by this because it is more like a family home than a nursing home. When the shifts change, the employees hug the clients goodbye and tell them that they love them. My mom with her limited mental capacity, still retains her smarty pants humour and will often smirk and say, "don't come back too soon" then laugh to tease the workers.

 When I placed mom in the home, I was sad she had to lose her independence but I was happy to have found this place so close to me. People used to tell me not to feel guilty and I told them that I did not. I felt really good about what I had done, now she would be safe, no more worrying about her getting burned, eating properly or strangers coming to the door while I was away. I think I even blog about dropping off papers late one evening and feeling good as I left because I watched her through the window. The ladies were all sitting around, having a cup of tea while snuggled in their pj's and happily chatting. I felt that was a small gift in life.

 That all changed this week, I got a call for a spot in a government run nursing home, I had 24 hours to accept. Having no other options I accepted the spot. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as private care but I wasn't expecting the disaster it is. I can only say that it reminds me of a scary movie with an institution for the criminally insane. People walking around moaning like zombies, people yelling the same thing over and over and over. The smell of urine hits you like a wall and soaks into your clothes if you stay too long.

 I haven't slept since I put her there, I haven't eaten since I put her there because the stress makes me feel sick to my stomach 24/7, I worry about her safety, I worry about her humanity. I have never felt so guilty and ashamed of a decision that I made in my life, I cry constantly when I'm alone. I told my sister we need to work on an immediate solution. I need to mentally regroup my thoughts, this is affecting me like I haven't been affected by something since the time dad got sick and died.