There is one thing that drives me crazy with the gay culture, that is this obsessive need to place everyone into a category, top, bottom, vers, etc. I always cringe when I hear that, I feel sex should not be regimented between two people and they should be allowed to explore. It also irritates me when you see that there is a subtle hint, the bottom is thought less of a man than the top. There are a lot of jokes and giggling about the bottom but not the top, the bottom can sometimes be referred to as the 'wife' or 'my bitch,' that is what bothers me, the bottom is still a man and not some sort of second class woman. The top is viewed as the strong one, dare we say almost a straight male. Who is kidding whom, the guy on top is performing as much of a gay sex act as the guy on the bottom. I don't see how someone could think himself more of a man by his position with his partner because unless his partner is a woman, he is not straight. The other question is what are his issues that he confuses being a straight male with being a man.
The other night, lying in bed I was jokingly thinking over my relationship position in the gay world, I was laughing to myself, wondering if I am more of a top or bottom. I always want to be thought of as masculine so I figured I am a top. However when I really thought about it, deep down I suddenly started to see why I am so offended by some attitudes towards bottoms, it hit me, "oh no I'm a bottom!" Yes it is true, (slightly) well not in a kinky or submissive way but in my own way, I want to be rescued. I want the other guy to be the one to take charge, I want him to look out for me, I can still kill the spiders in the bath tub but I want him to be the head of the household - well slightly. In relationships, I want him to pursue me, I need to feel wanted, I need to be desired by someone. I feed off the energy that I get from the attention directed towards me. Honestly it feels good to be wanted. When I was young and one of my friends would come in, driving a pickup, shirtless, ball cap or cowboy hat, and get me to go swimming with them, I always had a thought of how hot it would be if they were picking me up for a date.
I also realized the position I favour from thinking back to when I did actually have a boyfriend. I loved being able to sometimes just lay back, relax and let him do most of the work. He noted how tense I would be always at the beginning, but after some heavy kissing for a while, he would feel me at ease under him and then he would start penetration. Yes I thought it hurt, but it hurt so good. My thing is I find it so erotic to watch the other guy, to see, hear and feel his pleasure knowing it is because of me. To have him deeply thrust and deeply kiss me at the same time, the chemistry of our connection. I loved the protective warm feeling of his body over me, running my hands down his back, I loved watching him begin to lose control, as he gets closer to the point, the change in rhythm, the change in his breathing, him trying to be gentle with me but falling under strong convulsions of pleasure, his face expressing ecstasy, the increasing low moans and sighs of pure joy, those final deep primal thrusts of the hips. Such raw emotion and in that moment he is lost to the world, gone to his own space of pleasure, slowly he comes back to me and I am the first thing he sees, then there is always that kiss, deep complete, an unspoken way of saying thank you for taking me there.
I know when I fantasize about someone I often see myself in that position so why should I feel like I am taking the lesser role. Maybe it is the romantic in me but I like the idea of being looked after, not dominated though, I am way too stubborn to let that happen. I am more the damsel in distress, than the fem in leather having a gold shower while calling some guy master. Well so now I know the truth about which position I would really favour if I had to choose, I think it is kind of funny, so I am not a top big deal, I am not going to worry about it, lets drink to that, bottoms up!
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18 comments:
Good Gracious! That was intense! It was almost as if I felt everything myself and I could most definitely picture the entire scene. Oh my, I suddenly feel flush… Well Steven, I’m a top, not because I’m in the dominant position or because I’m so masculine. I just seemed to have missed out on those nerve endings down there that cause all the pleasure. I let Marty penetrate me twice in five years, because I felt like he was maybe being neglected something he enjoys. The entire time I was just ready to get it over with and I hate that because I feel like I should be able to do it for him. He on the other hand is a very enthusiastic bottom that is in total ecstasy by the entire experience. I’ve even gone so far as to tell him we could bring the occasional bottom in for him if he wanted to, but he assures me everything is perfect the way it is and a third person is something we will NEVER do. I guess I’m such a total top it’s hard for me to picture someone not caring if they ever get to do that. Because Marty prefers to be penetrated doesn’t make him a lesser person than me or the submissive partner. Let me tell you, ask anyone that’s been in a long term relationship and they will tell you, the bottom is always the dominant one in the relationship.
I think in that moment of ecstasy between two committed partners there is an exchange of intimacy and power. The one on bottom has the power to surrender control for that moment; it can only happen in full trust. The one on top takes that control briefly, giving it up in that final moment to the other. Each of them has the power to breach the trust by taking control without regard for the other. The connection and the intimacy prior to the act are so intertwined that to lose one is to lose the other.
While just plain sex can be pretty hot, there is little more powerful than the deep connection of the act of lovemaking in total trust and surrender, no matter which role you take and enjoy.
I agree with you Steven, gay men that allow themselves to be slotted into predefined roles really limit themselves (on so many levels).
Americans have this passion for quantifying everything, for demographics. I think it shows an unhealthy tendency to think only within the box and that it's a very lazy way to deal with the very complex thing that is a human being.
If you experienced pain with your former lover's penetration, I suspect he didn't prepare you sufficiently in advance. Some finger work--first one, then two, then if necessary, three fingers, nicely lubed can gradually stretch you out and if he's considerate enough to give a little prostate massage while he does it, you should relax more than adequately.
This whole "bottom" business bores me to tears--I know a lot of men who bottom who are more "real men" than most of the strutting heteros and "straight acting" tops out there.
I'd always been a top until about two and a half years ago. I enjoyed it, the guys I was with were having a good time, and efforts to get into me had always failed in severe pain for me. Through it all, I knew something basic and vital was missing from my experience. So, I got in touch with a good friend and told him I needed to be fucked for the first time and would he take care of me. He said sure. He prepared me very carefully, then slipped in easily and with no discomfort at all. For me it was a revelation--and I easily pass between "roles" now depending on the circumstances.
I hate pigeon-holing and am delighted you're unwilling to go along with it.
I have to agree with you that I do not like the labels. It seems like the gay culture creates more and more labels everyday to further categorize or pigeon hole us.
I consider myself a top. I want to take control in the bedroom. I want to be the one who calls the shots. But in life I consider myself a bottom. I want to be taken care of. Just like you said, I want to be rescued. I want to be pursued to an extent.
I don't see the bottom as a lesser person. I don't see the top as the dominate person. There are no hard and fast rules about the role you play in the bedroom to the role you play in life.
People like to put things into boxes and labels, because it makes it easier to deal with all this information. In most cases these boxes are just very handy. In others, it makes things harder.
Regarding top or bottom, I'm neither, because I fall into the category of gay guys that is into neither of those two...
WOW, great post you are becoming quite the writer!
Labeling is easy, but truly defining oneself is more work than we can imagine. With my first bf, I didn't know what 'position' I was in. He was the 'top', so I just assumed that I must be the other. Cuz I just didn't know any better.
Anyway, it's easy to fall into the trap. You not judge/label others, you still get label'd! :-) So bottoms up eh? I like that! heh.
Hope you're enjoying your Sunday!! xoxo
Very good post.
I don't think that position automatically defines a person. I do however think that when someone pigeon holes another into accepting a certain position for the rest of the relationship, then it becomes one that is unequal...and in some ways someone else is geting the "shaft" so to speak.
And then I do believe that there are some people who do like being the "bottom" and don't accept being the "top" or vice-versa. For those, it's just a matter of taste.
In my mind, it's not the lesser role. I'm just saying ...
Very expressive.
I like taking control/initiative in most of my daily transactions and have been a top in my limited sexual experiences. I would like to try out being penetrated as well. If I like it better, so be it.
I love topping, but sometimes everyone just needs it up the butt!
I'm glad you've tackled the issue so early (so to speak) and up front. Any top that has slept with a real bottom, and vice versa, can tell you that a preference or difference in sexual pleasure is not something that parlays into one's complete sexual or life experience. Yes, some bottoms are completely subservient and submissive as are some tops totally dominant and commandeering. Of all subcultures, sexuality is more than these shortlisted catch phrases to getting what you want/need sexually...relationship or hookup or otherwise. On the larger scale, what happens between two people in an expressions of love cannot be defined so simply as top/bottom. While I may think that a healthy relationship involves giving and receiving on all levels between careers, the bedroom, hell even vacation spots, I too know that isn't *all.* Some are okay with the quick top/bottom classification and roll with it without a second glance, and others like you have shown really question if it's an oversimplification. Don't get it twisted: a preference to receive anal penetration of any type does not make you more or less top/bottom, male/female, black/white, wife/husband, dominant/submissive, happy/sad, etc. Don't believe me? Just ask all the straight boys that like a good prostrate tickle from their ladies.
I agree there shouldn't be categories. A connection between 2 people is what counts and when the mood is there - go with it. Obviously don't do what you don't like... just enjoy!
I really don't like the categories either....it seems slightly ridiculous to me.
Although, I would be lying if I didn't laugh at the term "bossy bottom" before...it tickles me. Hehe!
I think that everyone should just strive to be versatile. It seems like so much fun to switch it up with your mate depending on how you are feeling that moment.
I don't subscribe to the idea that the top is dominant and in control and the bottom is subservient and giving up control. I've met some bottoms who are very much in control in bed. And it doesn't always translate from bed to the rest of life, either.
If I had a label, I'd say I'm versatile. And I much prefer to be face-to-face with my partner. Seeing, kissing, and feeling for me is much more intimate that way.
Very nice comment, Doug--I feel very much the same.
Stereotypes are indulged in by the unimaginative and/or the lazy.
Very interesting to hear everyone's thoughts on this. Again I am being lazy and answering everyone in one comment, it is important to me that you all know I read and appreciated what you all had to say and honestly it was a little fun and sometimes funny to see what you were going to say. I am beginning to wonder if those people who say they only top or only bottom, have such a selfish view on sex, that is why they have to advertise to find someone. I'm really more versatile, I even hate saying that, I think there should not be a label for it, I should just be able to say I like sex. I was just sort of joking in that maybe I slightly prefer to just bottom some days, I agree with Doug, like I said in the post I like to watch my partner, and feel like I am being made love to.
I have to say though, I think the most amusing comment came from Jake, crack me up buddy! I think we should all wear T-shirts with that slogan on it.
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