Saturday, September 14, 2019
Shoulder weight lifted.
Yesterday I received some good news. My mother had an appointment with her cardiologist, they were thinking she may need an operation. That weighed heavy on me.. extremely heavy on me. I was going to have to make the choice, don't let her have the operation and if she dies then it's all my fault or have the operation and if it's too much for her condition and she dies, then it's all my fault, either way I could have caused my mom to die. When you hold someone else's life in your hands, it's unbelievable with the amount of guilt that comes with that responsibility.
However, all tests show that mom is actually fine, she doesn't need any operations or even medication. She has a minor difference in the way her heart beats but it's common according to the doctor. This irregularity in her heart beat was confusing the regular monitors and that is what was raising concerns. Her weak spells are more to do with age and her dementia and not heart.
I was practically giddy with relief yesterday, not just because mom is fine but also that the life and death situation has been lifted off my shoulders. I had made my decision however in the event of things going bad, medication yes but no to an operation. Mom only lives in the immediate present, so being in pain from an operation would be torture for her, there would be no way to have her understand what is going on and some days she is really feeble so it could really affect her. Now I don't have the worry of that decision, whatever happens from now on will be life taking its course and my sister and I have made peace with that.
I'm glad, too much can be done but too little thought about should it be done, is in fact done lol
ReplyDeleteJohn, I think I understand what you are saying but not 100%. Lol
DeleteSounds like you'remaking a good plan.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Bob, all plans seem great until they have to go into action. I need to remember to keep calm and carry on.
DeleteWhen my Mom died last year at 85, her dementia had reached a point where she would tell me "I don't remember Grace, or John," her brother and sister, or she'd say "I don't remember my Mom." Sometimes it not about whether your decision is right or wrong in regard to our parents, sometimes it's about their dignity. Who are we if we don't have our memories?
ReplyDeleteDave, I feel the same way but when a doctor says, "your mom is about to die, what do you want us to do"? It's a heavy question.
DeleteThat's great news. I'm sure it's a huge relief.
ReplyDeleteRichard, a huge relief is a good way of describing it!
Deletespouse and I have written advance directives - no extra-ordinary means to "save life" (whatever the fuck that quality of life would be). wish our state had physician-assisted suicide rules in place.
ReplyDeleteAnne Marie, I in the process of those talks as well. My instructions are to send me to the vet and have me put down.
DeleteI am also glad you are thinking about this in advance. But regardless of which choice you made, it would not have been "all your fault" even if your mom had died. You are doing a good job under difficult circumstances, and I hope you are able to recognise that.
ReplyDeleteLurky, hey gurlfriend! I love it when you are thoughtful like this. Yes I do realize that I'm doing the best I can, I just feel that I'm failing but I know deep down I'm not, if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteAwww
ReplyDeleteYou’re such a sweet, thoughtful man. You’re right. Keeping calm and carrying on is the right thing to do.
XoXo
Sixpence, thank you, if only I was that level headed in the real world... lol!
ReplyDeleteI too am glad for your news; I am always glad to read the comments you get to see you have good support.
ReplyDeleteDr Spo, thank you.. and as for the commenters, yup they might be a scruffy bunch but they're the best! :D
ReplyDelete